I find it ridiculous how the economy is constantly used to justify wives going out to work. I think of it like this: you wouldn’t send your children out to work no matter how bad off you were financially, would you? Of course not because they are dependent and it’s your job to support them (primarily, of course, the father’s job). You decided to have them and no matter what they are your responsibility. So how then is it justified for a man to send his wife to work just because things are bad financially? It should be his job to provide financially for his wife, whether he has to beg, borrow or steal. It’s his responsibility to do whatever it takes to make it. Just the same as he’d do whatever to make sure the children were fed and clothed and had a home to live in, so it should be with his wife. He’s married her and she should be his responsibility. Just as with the kids, if you can’t support and raise them then don’t have them. If a man can’t provide for a wife, then he shouldn’t get married.
Since I received a couple of (unpublished) comments and an email about my last post, Support, Protection and Love I am doing a follow-up post to explain exactly what it is I did say, and what I didn’t. Inquiring minds want to know, and curiosity has always been the bane of mammalian existence.
First off, when I said that I wasn’t happy about where I am at right now, I was referring to the jurisdiction I am residing in. I don’t know anyone who’s a housewife or even a stay at home mother. I don’t know anyone like me and I still live in the small town I grew up in so there isn’t any chance for me to meet new people and actually get to start over and find others like me. I want to be away from this place I cannot stand and my husband is trying to accomplish that but in the meantime it is quite miserable. I wasn’t trying to say I hate being home or portray myself as the stereotypical feminist caricature of the miserable, lonely and oppressed housewife who’s stuck in the home. No, being in the home is what makes everything bearable and what makes the family work best.
I said that “if he ever closed his wallet I’d surely close my legs.” This is true. The one thing I demand is that he financially support the family. My husband did some terrible things to me when we were first married (and actually before we were married too) and I did not want to stay with him. I just didn’t want to be with him or have anything to do with him because of the things he did. My love and desire for him just died. I’m not going to explain nor say what those things are because they are personal and private and I’d rather them stay buried if at all possible (which is another reason why I hate the place I live because we can’t make a fresh start with new people who never knew us in the past). I stayed however because we have a child together and there was no way I was going to let him evade responsibility for our support. I was going to stay in our home, with our child, and he was going to fulfill his responsibility by going out and supporting us. Besides, I have his name and so does our child. If a man’s family carries his name then shouldn’t he be the one responsible for that family’s support? In matriarchal and many primitive societies women did most all the work yet the family name and inheritance was passed from mother to daughter (as opposed to father to son) and women generally also owned and controlled the property. But our society is still largely patrilineal in many ways and there’s no way, barring some emergency, that I’m going to go out and work everyday to support a family that doesn’t even so much as carry my name! The child I bore and the name I now carry is the name and legacy of my husband’s and also that of his father’s and he’s damn well going to live up to the responsibility that comes along with such privilege. I have given to him from my own body something beautiful and precious, something men have certainly never been able to get on their own, and he will be responsible for me or I will not accept him into my body nor life.
I’m a woman. I love pretty things and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t. But, as I said in my last post, I don’t demand of my husband to buy me a whole bunch of fancy expensive things. I only demand that all my needs and that of my child be provided for. I don’t demand anything more (though I might beg and pout some when I want something). If he wants to buy me something extra then I’ll accept it. I’m not going to turn him down. Besides, that kind of crushes a man if he works hard to buy something for a woman he loves and she turns him down because they “can’t afford it” or something like that. If his spending is out of control though she should say something because he has to be able to support the family as that is his first obligation.
If it wasn’t for the child then I probably would have left him. But, also I had given my body to him when I was young and that’s not just something I considered to be no big deal. There is this connection between us that’s hard to explain. I desire him so much inside and part of that I believe is because we have a long history together that goes back to when I was a teenager. I trust in him even though I’m still wary and always will be. I can’t trust him enough to abandon all reason and be foolish enough to, say, have more kids or something with him and the truth is that so many years have passed now I wouldn’t want to start over with having more kids no matter the level of security. Well, maybe I’d consider it but probably not. If I was going to have kids I’d want them to be around the same age. I’d want to have all my kids around the same time and then be done with it. I’d want them to grow up together. I have two sisters that are so much younger than me there’s no way we could be real close together. I barely even know them (even though I do love them) and we did not share a common childhood together.
I don’t share in financial responsibility with my husband. Everything is not in “our” name. There are a couple of things that are in my name just because I didn’t have issues with the bank and my husband did when we were first married. Any credit and cards my husband has are in his name and his alone. There is a reason for this. I don’t make the money and I’m not going to share in the responsibility of something I do not have equal control over. If everything was in “our” name then you can be assured I’d know what my husband was doing, where he was going and every dime he was spending (and you can rest assured he’d be asking permission before buying anything too). But I don’t desire to have that kind of authority over him and I can see how it would easily break down the relationship and cause us problems and probably inevitably end in divorce. Most couples fight over money and usually even divorce over it but me and my husband have never done that. There have been times I’ve been concerned over our financial state but my husband told me not to worry about it and I didn’t (much). He usually just tells me it’s none of my business. If I keep pushing him to give me answers he might relent some eventually but it’s something that he takes care of and I trust him to do that. As far as credit goes though my husband makes sure mine is in good standing just in case something ever happened to him so I would be able to have the things I need, but hopefully that will never be an issue.
Yes in many ways I am “trapped” here with my husband but that’s not completely a bad thing. These days the society wants to send every social worker to investigate you the second they think a man might be a little controlling (in the modern society this always means “abusive” even if there is no real abuse and the women and children are actually well taken care of). Sometimes I really do want to leave and get away but I know it’s just a fantasy that won’t happen and in the end I’m still wanting to be here with him and am, underneath it all, happy. As I said I love him because he takes care of me. There are many intimate reasons for love but a big part of it is that I’m being taken care of. Deep down, sexually and emotionally, there is actually this desire in my heart to be controlled by a strong man. It’s something that most women feel yet if we ever say anything we are pitied and told we have Stockholm Syndrome. We aren’t supposed to stay with men who are controlling and if we do we are told we need help. The alternative is the modern androgynous man which really is not a turn on at all but repugnant and even kind of humorous. Such men might make good friends, but are certainly not desirable in my mind as husbands or lovers.
If a man protects a woman and supports and takes care of her she will generally fall in love with him (especially if she views him as an authority figure). This of course is where we women are vulnerable which is why there are certain protections that women need from the society to ensure that we are not in turn just abandoned, taken advantage of and hurt by these men. Men and women are different. Our thoughts, wants and needs are different. We have different strengths and weaknesses but together we form a powerful alliance. It is not bad for the need of protection and support for me and my child to be one of the primary driving forces of why I have stayed with my husband and stayed married. When we were separated temporarily a long time ago the first thing he wanted when we got back together was sex. It might have even been one of the primary forces bringing him right back to me because he wasted no time in saying how much he needed it. (I, of course needed his support as after a while I would get hungry and not be able to survive so I certainly accepted him back into my life). I’m betting he wouldn’t have stayed around forever if I didn’t give him some, would he have?
Men have needs, women have needs. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s not unhealthy. Men and women need each other. Even when I’m not happy I still am. I feel such love when he takes care of me.
What’s wrong with that?
First and foremost, my first caring is about my own life and that of my family. But I do care about this society that we live in. I don’t read the news hardly ever nor do I even care who’s running for president. It’s all the same to me. I try to stay off the internet except to do my shopping or check up on the blogs I link to or like to read. I know that I am different and that I have always been. I have never fit in with the crowd and I probably never will. But that doesn’t matter to me. I am who I am and if others don’t accept me then that’s their problem. Even the most seemingly insignificant things in life serve a purpose and without them there could be no balance and harmony in the universe.
When I first started writing I never dreamed I would ever build up a little community on the Web or that I would attract any attention at all. How many hits I have gotten on this site has been simply astounding to me. I know that there are a few of my friends and relatives that know about my site, although I cannot know how often or if they ever read what I write. If they like me that’s great, but if not then I do not care.
Although I will not start uncomfortable or controversial political topics with others, I will stand up for what I believe no matter who likes it or who doesn’t. If you want to ask me what I believe then I’ll tell you. Throughout history humans have been persecuted for what they believe. Many have even given their life for their faith and their beliefs. We live in a society that tells us to be who we are and we are told that we must accept everyone’s beliefs and everyone’s way of life- but what they really mean is that we must live and believe as they do. Nobody can be accepting of everyone’s beliefs as they will still always outcast and persecute those who do not accept everyone’s beliefs. You can be who you are, as long as it is what they say you should be.
Over time I have been contacted by several women and even a couple of men. It means a lot to me to read and hear from others who believe as I do. In the society we live in today it’s controversial (and that’s putting it tamely) to even say that a man should support his wife. In reality it should just be assumed that a man will support his wife but I have been treated with scorn and contempt from both sexes just for daring to say such a thing.
I remember how when I got married the preacher said that God calls wives to submit to their husbands. I didn’t think anything about it at all. I might have downcast my eyes shyly but there never registered even a hint of outrage nor offense inside of me. It seemed natural to me. I saw nothing wrong with it. This was before I ever even heard about feminism or women’s lib or domestic violence or anything. I remember being asked once when I was about sixteen if I was a feminist. I had no idea what a feminist even was. I said “sure, I guess” because I thought it was something about being feminine. Then I was informed it was about women’s rights and I said no, that I was not a feminist. In reality I had no caring of the sort about “rights.” I knew I might work for a little while but I always hoped to get married and have my husband support me and take care of me.
It was later that mistrust began to develop. Something was wrong with the world today but I did not know what. Women’s rights and feminism seemed like the way to go but it just didn’t feel right. Being “equal” didn’t feel right. It felt cold. It felt wrong. It felt unjust. It felt that way because it was- and is- cold, wrong and unjust. I started this site to be a voice for women, for families. Without men providing for and protecting women there can be no prosperity, no stable family ties, no civilization.
For the first probably three years of marriage I was always on guard fearing abandonment. It took about three years before I began to really believe that he was going to support me and that I could depend on him truly to do so. It took so long before I could even tell my husband I trusted him. He seemed to change after that. I know he wanted to protect me and support me from the beginning but it seemed to take on a different meaning after that. It has taken me years longer to really believe all the things he has told me to be the truth. Our past has not been easy and we have come through a lot. But I know now he will forsake all others for me, as I will for him.
Without my dependence on him I don’t think we would have made it. If he hadn’t been my provider I could not have felt so deeply for him as I always have. I might not have stayed if I had somewhere else to go. Yes, I have loved him since I was a teenager but that could never be enough. I had to know that I could trust him. The first step was his provision of me but I also had to believe the things he said to me. I needed to understand the truth and without knowing it I would do any crazy thing to leave, to get away, to ease the hurt inside. But now I think I understand that he is not lying to me, that I can trust what he says- especially about our past. There has been a mistrust that has characterized our relationship since the beginning and it has always been an antagonism between us, but all I’ve ever wanted to know is that I can trust him. I don’t give a damn about what anyone else thinks or believes and I never have.
I have been put down for being in the home. I feel like my family always tries subtle ways to get me to have a career- usually by instilling distrust of my husband in me and then *subtly* reminding me that I have not finished college. People always love to make “suggestions” about how I should seek employment to relive my apparent boredom or whatever else. A career is the cure-all for the modern woman. Heaven forbid a woman might find fulfillment outside of the workforce. I have literally been called names and been called lazy for not having a “job.” Funny, if I was a career woman they would never call me such things, even if I was divorced three times and had kids with several different fathers or engaged in frequent drunken one night stands. As long as I was a co-provider and didn’t ever depend on a man or the welfare system to support me or my kids I would be acceptable- no matter how crazy or hectic my life. But I do not care. Call me what you will. Throw stones if you will. I will not waver. I would die for a principle. I would die for what I believe.
Yes, I have changed my husband. That’s what women do. Men will change if their women demand it of them. He has changed for me. But I would never do him wrong. I can never disrespect him because he has worked hard all these years to take care of me. I have never really been able to say anything bad about who he is today even when I am angry. Even though it is a rare occasion indeed that he ever does any housework or childcare I’ve never called him lazy. I could never do that because he takes care of me.
My house is not always spotless. We actually live in the house so it is impossible for it to be spotless all the time. Yet I work hard everyday. I’m not some Stepford wife nor do I believe the 1950s were the golden age of the family. I don’t even think that’s ideal. I don’t want to change the world. Sure it would be nice but that’s a pretty big goal and I just don’t think I have the dedication that would take. I know everyday this site gets many hits from search engines. I don’t know everything people search for. I don’t know who’s reading this. I may never know who my writings impact. I alone cannot save this culture. Maybe there is no saving it, but it is my hope that I can at least save a few individuals.
There is a real sadness in my heart when I look at the world around me. This website gives me an outlet to express my frustration, my hopes and my beliefs and put them out there for the world to see. I hope that this site will bless those who read it and be a help to those looking for answers. Of course, I cannot have all the answers for anyone nor have I ever claimed to but I hope maybe this site can be a help to guide someone in the right direction or guide them to whatever it is they are seeking.
Those who have supported me throughout these years of writing are of many cultures, many religions and speak many different tongues. I thank you for making this site what it is today.
And to my husband, my love, the father of my child, thank you for sticking by me and for your continued support. May we be different from the world and may we have many long years together.
May you always keep strong in your beliefs,
The Radical One
What sense does it make to have a career before marriage if you plan just to be a housewife or stay at home mother? How on earth can you expect employers to not discriminate when your plan is to work for a few years and then just up and quit or plan to take a lot of time off? Of course this brings up the point of why the women’s movement had to abolish legal protections for housewives and also to degrade her role and promote full-time work for women, regardless of their marital status and regardless whether or not they have children. If society just assumed that women would quit their work after marriage then it would be unreasonable for employers not to discriminate. As it now stands, however, it’s illegal to discriminate no matter if the woman plans on getting married and no matter if she has children, which just complicates everything and honestly disrupts businesses.
What sense does it make to keep giving leave to women to take off for their menstrual cycles and for childbirth when instead companies and businesses could just hire men who would ultimately be more reliable? Besides, women in the workforce cause problems and make it hard for men to really get any work done. Also, there are the issues of sexual harassment and the like that wouldn’t even be issues if men didn’t have to work beside women so much (and if we went back to the days where a good old-fashioned slap across the face and men’s chivalrous duty to protect the honor of women took care of a man who was getting a little too fresh).
It doesn’t make any sense to me why women would waste years in college and get a career just to up and quit it. Also, I believe it is just plain awful to leave children in daycare or with babysitters/other family members just so you can go off to work or so that the parents can fight and divorce. The memories of my childhood are nothing more than warring parents and riding the bus to daycare after school. My childhood was hell because of it. We talk all the time about “the best interests of the child” but in reality this is nothing more than code speak for “don’t say anything politically incorrect” and a justification for gender-neutral policies and laws.
The feminist movement knew it was bad news if women just wanted to be housewives and if society accepted that women should be housewives because it would ruin all their plans of women becoming fungible with men. If society saw that the ideal was for women to be housewives and care for their children and love and obey their husbands after marriage then our customs would change to favor men in the workforce on the logical basis that the men would more than likely be sole providers for families one day and the logical basis that a woman would have a husband to provide for her. Society would also see that women need protections due to the vulnerability that comes along with being dependent in their traditional roles. Denying protections to women and degrading traditional women goes along with feminism’s plans to make all women independent from men and to refute any thoughts of women being potential mothers and weaker and more vulnerable than men.
If on the other hand society sees that married women should have careers then the protection of women isn’t even an issue and nobody cares. Indeed, that’s what we have today- nobody cares. But we need to care. Men need to provide for and protect women and society should impose these responsibilities upon men as it is ultimately in the best interest of all of society.
More on anti-discrimination:
A wife getting involved in her husband’s business should ultimately be looked upon as a bad thing. Men used to be shamed if their wives worked and a married woman getting involved in business was frowned upon. I see a lot of women whose husbands have home businesses and in almost every case the wife is working full-time in the business (most generally by sitting in an office all day). But a wife getting involved in her husband’s business is still engaging in paid employment. She is not dependent upon her husband but rather she is a business partner with him, and this removes her from her traditional role. It is a husband’s job to fully financially support his wife. A husband asking his wife to work in his business or contribute to it full or part-time in a significant way is an assault against her traditional role and an assault against her right to be supported by her husband. It is one thing to ask the wife about something she may be skilled in occasionally but another for her to be involved fully or partially in his business. Any activity or work that goes towards the provision for a family is the husband’s responsibility or the responsibility of the adult males in the household (say if there was an older or adult son of working age still at home).
For the most part, a wife should stay out of her husband’s business. Under coverture, husbands controlled property and money and were fully responsible. For the most part, what the husband does is his own business and he should not be obligated to explain himself to his wife. He should be held fully financially responsible for whatever occurs or whatever he does. It is his responsibility to support the family and he should be called to answer and be held responsible for whatever the outcome. The working world should be seen as “men’s business,” as should political affairs and, although single women have always been able to have their careers and independence if they so chose, women should, as a general principle, stay out of it. The wife can spend her time engaging in feminine pursuits, chores around the house, caring for children and others, being social (or not), engaging in hobbies that interest her, and being there for her husband, children, family and friends when they need her.
A woman should leave the working world to her husband and a husband should not involve his wife in his business and affairs. A man asking his wife to engage in productive work which goes towards the provision of the family is asking for his wife to help provide for his household, which is also to say he is asking his wife to help provide for him. Truly masculine men do not need the protection and support of women.