Not a “50s Housewife”

Can I just say one thing? Ok, I hate the 1950s. seriously. I hate it that when I say that I believe in stuff like traditional gender roles and that I’ve always stayed home and stuff like that that people immediately start thinking “1950s.” Ugh. I hate that era. Personally, I see the 1950s as a time of female superiority if you want to know the truth about it. I actually think the era was quite feminist. It’s always been clear to me that both of my grandmothers were always “in charge” in their marriages. The 1950s weren’t traditional from my point of view. I mean, women were already voting and a lot of wives were already starting to join the workforce and stuff like that.

I don’t act like a 1950s housewife nor do I dress like one. Ok, well, I do kind of like stuff like vintage dresses and bikinis, but because I think they’re cute, not because I’ve got a thing for the 50s or anything like that. I used to have some vintage dresses but they fall off of me these days so I haven’t worn them in years. But, anyway, back to the subject. We’re not rich. My husband doesn’t “have money.” We’re just simple people, and I’m just a simple girl.

I know I’ve said it before, but when I say “housewife” I think a bit farther back to the times when husbands were actually in charge. I don’t think of high heels and perfectly permed hair so much as I think of bare feet, waist length hair (for a woman) and simplicity.

I also don’t like people that think housewives are somehow “lazy” or anything of the sort. I don’t sit around eating bon-bons all day, watching soap-operas, and writing “honey-do” lists while having an affair with the pool boy. I would also hate to think that a man only wanted to provide for me just because of the way I look. That’s why I would never want to be with a rich man, unless I knew in my heart that that man truly loved and cherished me for the long-term and would always do so.

My husband provides for me 100% financially speaking, as I believe it is his responsibility to do so, but he’s also in charge of everything too. For instance, he gave me a credit card on his account I could use for a while but then he took it away from me last year after I came back home. (He said it was because he got a new card, but I suspect the real reason was to take independence from me so I wouldn’t leave again. In either case, he never gave me another one.)

He gives me things I want and need, but he also has the power to say no to me or take them away from me too. And yes, I accept this even though I’ve suffered pain and frustration and I still accept it no matter what others might think about it, because it confers security on me and protects me. I’d rather accept this life than the life of the modern woman with all her unhappiness, unstable relationships and lack of ability to raise and care for her own children every day.

You want to talk about lazy and entitled? It’s the men these days that are lazy and entitled, just as much or not more so than the women are. Men who talk about how their wives need to “get a job” or go around bragging about how they’ve got their wives in the workforce full-time and stuff like that or how that they’d never support no woman. It’s these same men that also complain about women being spoiled and entitled “not wanting responsibility”, when in reality men are just as bad and lazy as modern women.

In his latest article, Jesse Powell talks about red-pill men moving on to a higher-functioning stage in the wider culture. Undoubtedly I think a movement like this will grow, and that it needs to, but what they advocate for is unsustainable and unworkable when it denies male responsibility for women, so in the end it will result in men having obligations imposed upon them instead of it being all about exploiting everything to their advantage and screwing everybody else and the damage left in their wake.

From the Daily Beast article he quoted:

On The Red Pill, Fisher commonly expressed disappointment that the institutions of marriage and religion were destroyed by women’s equality. He maintained that as a result of financial independence, women were no longer compelled to remain faithful and as a result, men needed to protectively adapt their sexual strategy.

Ok, so how are women going to be financially dependent if men don’t fully financially support their wives? Only for a mere six weeks did I hold paid employment out of nearly a decade of marriage, and it was only to separate from him. I never worked for money, neither inside nor out of the home, and my husband never had to play a bunch of head games just to keep me sexually attracted to him or invested in the marriage.

By “protectively adapting their sexual strategy” what do they mean? Screwing as many sl*ts as possible? (Because that it sustainable for society when you leave illegitimate children all over the place, and that’s sure to help them with all those “pregnancy scares!”) Or perhaps he means playing a bunch of stupid head games that will result, at best, in keeping a woman’s interest for a whole six months- if that? (Because that will obviously lead to a high-functioning committed relationship when one person is a narcissistic abuser.)

“To give women autonomy is to take away the very thing that made marriage a realistic institution… what I dislike is the general attitude that somehow we owe [women] something for sex… Women enjoy the autonomy that feminism has afforded them… But don’t expect the relics from back in the day to continue to benefit you without the sacrifices you were making,”

Well, don’t expect the relics YOU enjoyed back in the day to continue to benefit YOU without the sacrifices you made as well. And I’m unaware completely of any traditional relics from back in the day that women are still enjoying out in the real world. To deny the breadwinner role (for men) is also to take away the very glue that once held marriage together. Men enjoy the easy ride and easy sex feminism has afforded THEM. And women sacrifice more in sex and bring something to the table men don’t, every society in the history of the world has recognized and given credit to this undeniable fact. Get over it.

“Marriage, and yes, female oppression, slut shaming, religion, these were all a means to control hypergamy [infidelity]. Marriages might be considered loveless, and women might have been unhappy, but for men it meant marriages that lasted, commitments that continued, and protection against the fickle whims of females,” Fisher wrote on The Red Pill in November 2012.

Yes, never mind when men chase after “bad girls” that will only screw them over or when husbands disappear or  cheat on their breadwinner wives with a poor woman that makes him feel more like a man. Not to mention that you run a simultaneous marriage strike and spend all your time chasing after the very sl*ts you claim to hate. A traditional woman deserves a traditional man.

But, in conclusion, stop it with the 1950s stereotypes. The 1950s were a whole world better in many ways than today, but the era still wasn’t traditional by my point of view. But if I would ask anything of men today, it would be to please stop this. Please do something about the state of affairs today. It isn’t a woman’s job to fix it. It’s a woman’s job to be “good” and to accept a man’s authority (when and where it’s legitimate). These are your daughters, your sisters, your mothers, your wives/future wives and mothers of your children and all of the women you know and love. They aren’t some outside enemy or foreign invader to get rid of and punish at all costs. They’re your own people, of the same blood and heritage as you. Girls and women today grew up/ are growing up never knowing the stable relationships, protections and security that were afforded to our ancestors- just the same as men. Stop acting like you’re some kind of special oppressed snowflakes. Your grievances have merit, but I think they’re exaggerated beyond belief and only tell one side of the story.

I know from experience there are just as many traditional men as there are women, it just seems like there aren’t because most of the time men just remain silent. They watch and listen, but they don’t comment, they don’t form opinions or organize and protest. For decades they’ve left all of that up to women. But if there’s anything good happening now, it would be that it seems men are finally taking some kind of action, even if they are, as of now, in a rage and sorely misguided. But if men take action, women will follow, and men that accept responsibility (such as a husband keeping his wife out of the workforce and providing for her) can still impose the rules on women even when they are unwilling. YOU don’t expect that “privilege” otherwise. The man that loves a woman provides for her and he protects her- even from herself. I’ll only know the red-pill is “highly-functioning” when their men strive to do just that.

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Going Home

I don’t need to justify to anyone the way I choose to live my life or the beliefs that I hold inside. I’ll just let the results of the life I have lived speak for themselves.

People say I’m “lucky” to stay at home or believe my husband must have money or something, but neither of these things are true. We were dirt poor before we married yet I quit working entirely, even though we didn’t yet even know where we would live, and never for a single day were we ever out on the streets. I’ve always lived with what he could give to me, or what he chose to give to me, and over time we were blessed as a result of it. I believe we have been productive precisely because I stayed out of the workforce, but more than that, I believe it is because of my traditional beliefs in coverture. (Even though I had no idea what coverture was, or that it was really a legal thing once, I still felt it in my heart.)

Me being at home isn’t so much about my relationship with my child as it is about my relationship with my husband. It’s not about being a “stay-at-home mom.” I’m not a stay-at-home mom, I’m just a traditional wife. And this will hold true even when our daughter is fully grown.

For the brief period of time that I worked, I had no relationship with him. As my readers know, that is precisely why I started working- because in my heart I was separated from him and no longer willing to submit to him. But I felt in my heart I would be OK, that it was time to reconcile. He told me that, while he wouldn’t necessarily forbid me from working a couple of days if I really wanted to, he would really rather that I just put in my notice and quit entirely, so that’s what I did, because I couldn’t reconcile the beliefs and desires of my heart with having paid employment- even part-time employment. Part-time employment is still employment.

At the beginning, so many years ago, I chose to accept him as my guardian, my authority, my provision and protection. It can be scary sometimes, to give up that independence you once knew and rely entirely on a husband, but I did it, and I will do it once again. He tells me he wants me to stay close to him and to do what he tells me to do. I accepted that at the beginning and I told him that I would accept it once again. He’s not a pig or a misogynist, nor is he weak or “beta.” He cherishes me the way men have all but forgotten to cherish women in our world today, and I look up to him the way women have all but stopped looking up to men.

“What’s there to cherish?” the modern man will say.

“What’s there to look up to?” the modern woman will say.

So, yes, I’m coming home. I know he’s always provided well for me. There were things in the past that he told me I couldn’t do, so I didn’t do them. There were things in the past he told me we couldn’t afford, so I couldn’t have them. But that was ok with me. It’s still ok with me. While I did like having some money to spend, a paycheck could simply never compensate for the loss of love and passion I experienced. If I am to submit to him and allow him to protect me and take care of me, I can’t also be my own independent woman out in the workforce. And I sure as Hell am not going to work and submit to him. What a joke.

I know some scoff at me, I know some think me a fool- but that’s their problem. I’m a lot safer and secure depending on a husband than being independent. It’s like people feel sorry for me if I tell them I’m going back to my husband and quitting my job. But that’s their problem. They can think what they want. The results of the life they live show, as do the results of the life I have lived. Shall we compare them?

So, I am going home once again. In my experience people do what is in their hearts to do. If a woman has it in her heart to be home and relying on a husband and submitting to him, then that’s what she’s going to do, even if she’s poor- the same as I was poor all those years ago. The same people who talk about two incomes being “necessary” are the same ones who talk about how they could never give up their independence, and the women who say they wish they could be at home are the same ones who turn around and start talking about how they could never just “sit at home” depending on a man and how they love to cash in those paychecks. You do the math. I believe modern women work because of ideology, not necessity.

But that doesn’t matter. I don’t care what it is people might think or say. They are of no concern to me. I accepted to follow him and do what he told me to do. The outside world doesn’t concern me. For the brief time that I worked everything turned into a disaster. The house was a wreck. There was all of a sudden nobody there for the small errands that needed to be run, and entire schedules had to be re-arranged when our daughter wasn’t in school, was sick, or when my husband had doctor’s appointments and needed someone to drive him.

Never again. I cannot see how anyone could live that way. If I had worked since the beginning we wouldn’t be together today, and it’s doubtful that me working would have even helped us financially- unless I had some fancy career, which would have only been even more problematic.

Lastly, I won’t defend the words I say to anyone. I’m not going to apologize or give a speech about how I’m not really anti-feminist or anything of the sort. Because I’m pro-patriarchy. I’m against feminism. There’s nothing great about feminism and there’s nothing wrong with patriarchy. I don’t have to defend my words and beliefs to the over-sensitive PC crowd. They’ll get over it and find something new to bitch about ten minutes later anyway. I don’t believe that as a wife I should be in the workforce, not even part-time. Even part-time work takes me away from his guardianship.

Because femininity is passive, submissive, graceful, nurturing and beautiful– and that just isn’t compatible with being independent and career-driven in my book. I always felt it was right to be under the guardianship of a man that loves and cherishes me and I know that what I’ve always felt in my heart cannot be wrong, especially considering that it has been the way of so many cultures, including our own for so long. Feminist politics can’t protect women.

But I leave all these things I have written up, because they show the truth of what is in a woman’s heart and how she is made. And I hope that young women everywhere will truly listen.

All Men Are Like That

Ok so I have a story today for the ladies. Just go ahead and raise your hand if you’ve been there. The other day I was at the end of my rope so I accepted to go out with this guy. I gave him my number and that evening (it was still daylight) I spent a couple of hours with him. He kept exclaiming “I promise I’m not the kind of guy that’s going to try to get into your pants.” I was just thinking Yeah, right. I was the one who picked him up due to a supposed medical condition that was temporarily preventing him from driving. I told him so long as he wasn’t packing any drugs or no stuff like that I’d hang out with him, he responded saying he only had his cigarettes and beer. I went over to where he lived and we stayed on the front porch for a few minutes and conversed with a couple of others, then we took off.

We went somewhere just to sit and talk and then he started drinking some more. The conversation wasn’t bad at first, we were just talking a bit about our lives and ourselves. Then all of a sudden out of nowhere he leans over the seat like he was about to go full make-out session on me or something. I quickly jerked out of the way as a self-defense mechanism. He then exclaims “Like chill out I was just wanting to kiss you on the cheek! That’s all!” I hesitated for a minute before saying “OK”. I let him kiss me on the cheek, trying to just be as still as possible even though I was totally uncomfortable.

Then somehow the conversation turns (I guess he was starting to get drunk or something, he kind of sounded like it. He only had one beer with him but there’s no telling how long or how much he had drank before) and he starts telling me all about how he’s got a piercing down there and about how all the ladies on Facebook were always asking to see his c*ck. I’m just sitting there thinking TMI!!!!! I was not impressed in the slightest. I then was glad when he wanted to leave so he could get another beer (because I was thinking great opportunity for me to ditch this mother******* and then speed away in the opposite direction).

But oh no! This was not the last of it. He then asks me if he could bum a dollar off of me (one single ***^&&%% dollar!) to get another beer. “But I’ll like pay you back tomorrow!” he whines at me. I told him “no” that I wasn’t going to lend him money to buy a beer. I start driving off and then he all of a sudden reaches his hand over and grabs onto my upper thigh. “This is how I always ride with a girl” he exclaims to me. My only reaction was to cringe and feel like opening the door so I could puke. I pushed down just a bit harder on the gas peddle as I looked straight ahead. He then starts exclaiming “Girl, you’ve got a four-wheel drive! Why are you babying this truck? Didn’t you see that guy back there? He knows how to go fast. He was speeding past us, he knows how to drive a truck!”

I just ignored him at that point, though I did give the truck some gas and started intentionally letting it slide around the next corner Dukes of Hazzard style, which caused him to release his grip on my thigh (the intended purpose). I was just thinking Is that good enough for you mother f*&((&&??? why don’t you go drive your own rig the way it *should* be drove??

Then the guy looks over at me and starts exclaiming “I know you’ve been thinking about f***ing me.” I just laughed and said “Haha yeah. Sure!” in a sarcastic way while all the while thinking You’ve got about a snowball’s chance in Hades…freak. He then starts talking nasty and using foul language and telling me all about how his piercing could make my **** ****** while I just looked straight ahead trying my best to ignore him,growing more repulsed by the second.

Then I take him to his home and he bums a couple of dollars off of an older woman who was living with him and I take him to the nearest store for a beer. He then decides he wants two of them and looks at me as if pleading for me to let him buy two beers instead of one “But **** drank my other two beers!” I just looked at him and said “I’m not paying for your beer,” very matter-of-factly. He then gets two and counts out enough change at the counter to enable him to buy both beers (surprise, surprise!) while exclaiming to the woman behind the counter “I’ve got to see if I have enough change. Boss lady here won’t let me get two beers!” I just stared at him, saying nothing, my mouth gaping open with a look of disgust on my face. We then leave again. At least he held the door open for me, that was probably the only plus about the guy. He wanted to go somewhere else and talk but I just told him “Um, well, it’s getting late. I need to get going” as a polite way of trying to end things, you know.

I start driving back to where he lives and when we get on his street he sees some guy he knows outside in his yard and says something. I look over to the guy he’s talking about, having to squint a little so I could see well, and then he thinks it’s funny to all of a sudden exclaim “You sl*t! Checking out some other guy while you’re out with me!” I just turned my head away from him, my mouth gaping open, with an expression that said Oh my God! He actually thought that was funny? No wonder he hasn’t been laid in two years (that’s what he said, anyway. He asked me when the last time I had an orgasm was, and I very matter-of-factly told him “The last time I had sex with my husband. In fact, I had two.”). He then promptly apologized to me but it still took every ounce of self-restraint I had within me to keep from turning around and smacking the ever-living fuck out of him. I should have slammed on the brakes and told him to walk home, but being the nice (probably too nice) person that I am, I drove him back. I talked with him for a minute while he stood outside the truck, exclaiming to me how pretty my eyes were and how he wished I’d send him a “selfie” of that “gorgeous fucking smile” of mine. I then said goodbye as politely as I could and drove off. I deleted his number and never answered another text from him and he seriously didn’t understand why I just ignored him the next day.

Of course, I didn’t like the guy. I was just lonely needing some attention. He was good looking enough, I suppose; about 6-foot-one, 185 pounds, former boxer, but I didn’t care. I didn’t lie to the guy. I told him I was lonely and needed someone to talk to. I never led him on or anything. Hopefully he’ll get the hint I’m not interested and just leave it be. I told my husband about it and he laughed asking me if I had picked up a stalker, though I was afraid if I told him the real details about what the guy said and did that he would hunt him down and kill him or something, so I gave him the edited version of the story.

The only thing I wanted was to be home with my husband, but he ignored me so I came back, put my daughter to bed and made sure she was taken care of before I went and found a secluded spot to go get drunk, all the while believing he didn’t love me anymore. Me and the bottle had ourselves an in-depth conversation about life until my husband finally found me and carried me back in the house while I held onto him telling him I wanted and needed him.

But, anyway, men have no right to complain about modern women before they look in the mirror and take a good hard look at themselves. Your s**** stinks just like everyone else’s, so don’t think you’re somehow above all the flaws of being human or immune to acting on impulse or acting on emotions or desires. How that guy acted is how a lot of men are these days (and he was ten years my senior!!), and women are sick of them. All relationships take time to develop. It takes time to develop trust and to be able to make yourself vulnerable to another person; for a man to feel safe providing for and protecting a woman and for a woman to feel safe enough to give her body and submission to a man and depend on him. It doesn’t happen overnight, and in life we’ll all find few such people we can trust enough to share our lives with, perhaps only one person.

But in reality, a woman’s actions are sometimes a cry for help. It’s the man’s job to lead and he needs to be aware of what’s going on around him, and my husband should have been paying attention and never let things get so bad. I wanted him to reign me back in, but he instead did the opposite. He did try to regain control when I came back to him, but he did it the wrong way and said a lot of bad things to me. But I just want to be home, as my heart is truly still here. You don’t just throw away so many years as if it never happened. No man could ever compare to one that has sheltered me from the world and provided for me for all of these years.

Viewing Women as Expendable

I’m doing something that I’ve loved to do so many times before. I’m secluded with nothing but the tranquility of nature to sooth me. There’s no sounds of the modern world for as far as my eyes can see and as far as my ears can hear. There’s nobody around. I love to lie out on the ground under the sun, my raven hair left free and natural to fall in waves down my back, no shoes on my feet.

I’ve discarded all my clothes. I do revel in my sexuality, my femininity. The softness of my breasts exposed to the light of the sun, I love to bring my left leg up from the ground to cover my most intimate places, accentuating the soft and full curves of my hips. It’s true that somebody somewhere might be watching, but I don’t see anything. I don’t hear anything. It’s a sharp contrast between a woman privately indulging in her femininity and a woman spreading her feminine energy and body around knowingly to many men.

But what good are these breasts, if without a love to caress them, to suckle them deeply and gently? What good is a 25-inch waist, if he don’t wrap his hands around it? I was sad and I was lonely, so I asked him to be with me. He got in the truck and I got in the passenger side and we began to drive off, but he hurt me so I asked him to turn around and take me back home. I then took off by myself.

I don’t want this independence, what I want is love. But he gives me no love anymore. I feel miserable and I feel lonely. I can’t remember the last time a day went by without me crying. I want to share a deep love. I want to laugh and smile and be happy. I love the feeling of driving an old pickup truck down a country road with my hair blowing in the wind. I love the simple things in life. But it’s no good without someone to share life with me.

I don’t care about expensive things. A castle is a dark and empty place when you’re all alone. Makeup and pretty clothes are pointless if you don’t have a man to enjoy the sight of you in them. I’m lost on the inside, somehow drained of all life and all hope.

 

***

Men come to the red-pill full of anger, loneliness and pain. The first thing they learn is to lose all love and affection for women. I find this sad. The only thing they will ever attract is women that are just as broken as they are; women that are not mature and won’t do them right. They spend their lives looking for some mystical p*ssy paradise that doesn’t exist, as if they can travel in droves to some foreign country and beautiful “10’s,” (who are so NOT sl*ts like western women!) will flock to them willing and ready to engage in hot threesomes with them at the drop of a hat.

Sorry, but there is no such thing as a p*ssy paradise. Neither is there any such thing as a submissive housewife with a career. You can’t have both. In societies where women do all the work, (such as historical Native American tribes), yeah the women did most all the hard work (if any actually got done at all), but the property and children belong to WOMEN. If your wife got sick of you, she could just take your shit and set it outside the home as a signal that she was dismissing you. A man would own nothing but the clothes on his back (and his weapons). The house and kids were hers. Ouch! So much for the paradise of a good little housewife who also has a career!! But a society like this also never goes anywhere. Native tribes around the world where women held their own and were independent from men were nothing but primitive. While that might be peaceful in some ways, it’s a harsh and rough existence, and men in no way had it easier than women.

Red-pill isn’t traditional. It’s a bunch of woman-haters looking for revenge. But guess what? That will only make your life miserable. If you live your life to hurt others, you will only end up destroying yourself. It’s a life lived without love. It’s a miserable existence and it also shows immaturity. Lots of people are sick of the shit going on these days, they’re sick of feminism, yet at the same time they perpetuate it. I mean, if things were good in society, it’s unlikely that Donald Trump would be president.

You see women as expendable? You see other human beings as expendable? You get sick of them one day and just dump them? Red-pill men like to talk about nothing but how to use and abuse women. They want power with no responsibility. But guess what? It doesn’t work that way. The sad thing is men today are supposedly even physically weaker than what their fathers and grandfathers were- and I believe it.

What kind of society do we live in where men are taught to hate and compete against their OWN women. We’re talking about people of the same nation here, hating each other and loathing each other! How many civilizations can survive civil war like that? And it doesn’t look like we’re doing too well. The women are independent, out-earning their men and even their husbands. They’re also obese and masculine and promiscuous. Men are demotivated, soft, and weak. Both men and women are sick of each other and can’t even form any kind of meaningful relationships!!

Traditional society, yes men own the property and the children (within marriage). But they also had responsibilities. We talk about coverture, which was a good system. The husband did hold all the power, but he couldn’t just kick his wife out when he got tired of her or she did something to displease him. He still had to support her. He still had to provide a home for her. My marriage was probably the most stable and prosperous of any others I’ve known. It’s mostly because of my sexual exclusivity and financial dependence. The two things go together.

I could talk about how men are all day, but there’s problems on top of problems with how modern women are acting. First, you LET these men treat you that way and use you. Stop allowing it! Plain and simple. No matter if you love the man, you must have boundaries. First things first, stop allowing men sexual access outside of a committed relationship (preferably marriage, but these days anything so long as there is real commitment and he’s being responsible).

I’ve said it before, it’s not about seeking dominance over men, but a man simply doesn’t have the RIGHT to control you or have access to your body unless he’s already taken on the appropriate responsibilities. Once he has responsibilities in a committed relationship with you, then he gets to have things his way. But never before that point! Just like in coverture, a woman was a single woman with pretty much all the same rights and responsibilities as a man, but at that point of commitment the man took responsibility to protect and provide for her, and in return he got the rights of property, children, and sexual access whenever he pleased.

Second, stop seeking to be like men. Stop seeking to out-earn them or compete with them. Hit the gym everyday, stop cutting your hair in all these funky ways that make you look terrible. Nobody’s perfect, man or woman, but we can all do a lot better to improve OURSELVES instead of bitching about the opposite sex and about how your wife/girlfriend won’t “get a job” or how men are pigs because they don’t like the fact that your ass hangs off both sides of the chair when you sit down.

Hurt people hurt people. Immature people and people not confident in themselves act in narcissistic ways. It doesn’t have to be that way. Have love in your heart, be a good and honorable person, but have boundaries and life goes a lot smoother. Modern women will always be unhappy with their lives if they follow feminist ways. Modern men will also always be unhappy and miserable and dissatisfied and nothing will ever change unless they ditch the part of the red-pill and modern thinking that seeks to absolve men of masculine responsibility and embrace the parts which DO teach good things, such as the fact that men should be dominant and in charge, and no the sexes are NOT equal. Authoritative benevolence, that’s what it SHOULD be about. Women aren’t men and seeking to expect women to be “adults” in the sense of holding to the responsibilities of men or being given the same rights and set of expectations is completely unreasonable. Plain and simple. It just doesn’t work that way.

My Heart Doesn’t Live Here Anymore

I went shopping yesterday with my own money. I spent copious amounts of money on new shoes, a little sexy lingerie and some makeup, but I don’t really care. I got absolutely no enjoyment out of it. I could give a damn less if the stuff went missing tomorrow. It could never mean half as much to me as the clothes that were once given to me by a man I loved. I cherished the clothes a man I loved would provide for me, even when the money spent was half that of what I spent on my own, because it endeared me to him, every stitch of clothing being more valuable than anything because he gave them to me.

I went by my grandmother’s and sat and talked with her for a while. I avoided looking at the pictures on the wall off in the corner behind me so I never got around to crying like I thought I might. We talked for a while and I enjoyed that. She won’t be in the state forever I know, as she’ll be moving in a year or two to be by my aunt, hundreds of miles away. I know nothing lasts forever, but I remember the truth in what she said to me, that it’s no fun being alone. And she’s alone now, the same as I now feel alone in my heart, without a man’s love and masculinity to complete me.

I don’t want to be out in that world alone, I don’t want to be working a job. When I clean and run around for someone, I want it to be for a man I love. I was made to be softer and weaker. I wasn’t made like a man who was given much greater physical and mental strength to go forth and endure the harshness of the world. Going forth into the world is masculinizing and hardening, it takes from a woman’s femininity and value.

I dream of bare feet and warm, sunny days where I can laugh and play with those I love. I dream of waiting once again for the man I love to come home. I dream of cooking and cleaning and enjoying the wonders of homemaking and being there for the man I love once again. I dream of laying in bed as my hair fans out upon the pillows, curling up and gently breathing in his scent as I patiently await for his return. I dream of those days once again of having no concern for the outside world, but simply being that helper to a man I love. A woman was made to complete a man, she wasn’t made to compete with him or go out and conquer the world with him. I want to love him. I want to complete him.

But none of these desires in my heart can ever change the fact that I just simply don’t want to be here anymore. Perhaps it’s just that some people just weren’t meant to be happy. I go out and work and make my own money, and with every dollar I make I grow even more resentful of him; I lose that much more respect for him. The truth is that I only work simply to have somewhere else to go and be, and money to stay gone when I’m not working. But he can’t stop me. He can’t force me to feel something that I simply don’t feel. And if I ever did find someone else, neither could he stop me from leaving when my heart simply doesn’t want to stay.

There are simply no answers as to why this is. No amount of studying of psychology can provide true insight into love, into hate, or into what it is that makes us tick; into what it is that makes us human. People do and feel what they want, no matter the personal costs- no matter the risks-and when it comes to love, many have even given their very lives and every possession they own over something that can’t even be defined or understood.

I speak with other people, including plenty of men, but I don’t believe I can ever find anyone to truly love me and provide for me, placing me under that protection and coverture once again. I think love is rare and hard to find, and that it’s something to be cherished above all else if you do indeed find it.

But I feel like that softness has been stripped from me, that part of me that was once gentle. Part of that femininity is to bring love and joy to the hearts of others, to be an escape from the cruelness and harshness of the world. With something simple like home-baked goods or simply carefree childlikenss even in a technically grown woman, it can bring joy and warmth to others. I want to love a man once again, I want to give him my all. I want to be able to joyfully submit to him and for home to be my haven once again. Because when you have that; when you have someone to love and give your heart to, then you have everything, and no amount of money could ever compare to that.