Since I received a couple of (unpublished) comments and an email about my last post, Support, Protection and Love I am doing a follow-up post to explain exactly what it is I did say, and what I didn’t. Inquiring minds want to know, and curiosity has always been the bane of mammalian existence.
First off, when I said that I wasn’t happy about where I am at right now, I was referring to the jurisdiction I am residing in. I don’t know anyone who’s a housewife or even a stay at home mother. I don’t know anyone like me and I still live in the small town I grew up in so there isn’t any chance for me to meet new people and actually get to start over and find others like me. I want to be away from this place I cannot stand and my husband is trying to accomplish that but in the meantime it is quite miserable. I wasn’t trying to say I hate being home or portray myself as the stereotypical feminist caricature of the miserable, lonely and oppressed housewife who’s stuck in the home. No, being in the home is what makes everything bearable and what makes the family work best.
I said that “if he ever closed his wallet I’d surely close my legs.” This is true. The one thing I demand is that he financially support the family. My husband did some terrible things to me when we were first married (and actually before we were married too) and I did not want to stay with him. I just didn’t want to be with him or have anything to do with him because of the things he did. My love and desire for him just died. I’m not going to explain nor say what those things are because they are personal and private and I’d rather them stay buried if at all possible (which is another reason why I hate the place I live because we can’t make a fresh start with new people who never knew us in the past). I stayed however because we have a child together and there was no way I was going to let him evade responsibility for our support. I was going to stay in our home, with our child, and he was going to fulfill his responsibility by going out and supporting us. Besides, I have his name and so does our child. If a man’s family carries his name then shouldn’t he be the one responsible for that family’s support? In matriarchal and many primitive societies women did most all the work yet the family name and inheritance was passed from mother to daughter (as opposed to father to son) and women generally also owned and controlled the property. But our society is still largely patrilineal in many ways and there’s no way, barring some emergency, that I’m going to go out and work everyday to support a family that doesn’t even so much as carry my name! The child I bore and the name I now carry is the name and legacy of my husband’s and also that of his father’s and he’s damn well going to live up to the responsibility that comes along with such privilege. I have given to him from my own body something beautiful and precious, something men have certainly never been able to get on their own, and he will be responsible for me or I will not accept him into my body nor life.
I’m a woman. I love pretty things and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t. But, as I said in my last post, I don’t demand of my husband to buy me a whole bunch of fancy expensive things. I only demand that all my needs and that of my child be provided for. I don’t demand anything more (though I might beg and pout some when I want something). If he wants to buy me something extra then I’ll accept it. I’m not going to turn him down. Besides, that kind of crushes a man if he works hard to buy something for a woman he loves and she turns him down because they “can’t afford it” or something like that. If his spending is out of control though she should say something because he has to be able to support the family as that is his first obligation.
If it wasn’t for the child then I probably would have left him. But, also I had given my body to him when I was young and that’s not just something I considered to be no big deal. There is this connection between us that’s hard to explain. I desire him so much inside and part of that I believe is because we have a long history together that goes back to when I was a teenager. I trust in him even though I’m still wary and always will be. I can’t trust him enough to abandon all reason and be foolish enough to, say, have more kids or something with him and the truth is that so many years have passed now I wouldn’t want to start over with having more kids no matter the level of security. Well, maybe I’d consider it but probably not. If I was going to have kids I’d want them to be around the same age. I’d want to have all my kids around the same time and then be done with it. I’d want them to grow up together. I have two sisters that are so much younger than me there’s no way we could be real close together. I barely even know them (even though I do love them) and we did not share a common childhood together.
I don’t share in financial responsibility with my husband. Everything is not in “our” name. There are a couple of things that are in my name just because I didn’t have issues with the bank and my husband did when we were first married. Any credit and cards my husband has are in his name and his alone. There is a reason for this. I don’t make the money and I’m not going to share in the responsibility of something I do not have equal control over. If everything was in “our” name then you can be assured I’d know what my husband was doing, where he was going and every dime he was spending (and you can rest assured he’d be asking permission before buying anything too). But I don’t desire to have that kind of authority over him and I can see how it would easily break down the relationship and cause us problems and probably inevitably end in divorce. Most couples fight over money and usually even divorce over it but me and my husband have never done that. There have been times I’ve been concerned over our financial state but my husband told me not to worry about it and I didn’t (much). He usually just tells me it’s none of my business. If I keep pushing him to give me answers he might relent some eventually but it’s something that he takes care of and I trust him to do that. As far as credit goes though my husband makes sure mine is in good standing just in case something ever happened to him so I would be able to have the things I need, but hopefully that will never be an issue.
Yes in many ways I am “trapped” here with my husband but that’s not completely a bad thing. These days the society wants to send every social worker to investigate you the second they think a man might be a little controlling (in the modern society this always means “abusive” even if there is no real abuse and the women and children are actually well taken care of). Sometimes I really do want to leave and get away but I know it’s just a fantasy that won’t happen and in the end I’m still wanting to be here with him and am, underneath it all, happy. As I said I love him because he takes care of me. There are many intimate reasons for love but a big part of it is that I’m being taken care of. Deep down, sexually and emotionally, there is actually this desire in my heart to be controlled by a strong man. It’s something that most women feel yet if we ever say anything we are pitied and told we have Stockholm Syndrome. We aren’t supposed to stay with men who are controlling and if we do we are told we need help. The alternative is the modern androgynous man which really is not a turn on at all but repugnant and even kind of humorous. Such men might make good friends, but are certainly not desirable in my mind as husbands or lovers.
If a man protects a woman and supports and takes care of her she will generally fall in love with him (especially if she views him as an authority figure). This of course is where we women are vulnerable which is why there are certain protections that women need from the society to ensure that we are not in turn just abandoned, taken advantage of and hurt by these men. Men and women are different. Our thoughts, wants and needs are different. We have different strengths and weaknesses but together we form a powerful alliance. It is not bad for the need of protection and support for me and my child to be one of the primary driving forces of why I have stayed with my husband and stayed married. When we were separated temporarily a long time ago the first thing he wanted when we got back together was sex. It might have even been one of the primary forces bringing him right back to me because he wasted no time in saying how much he needed it. (I, of course needed his support as after a while I would get hungry and not be able to survive so I certainly accepted him back into my life). I’m betting he wouldn’t have stayed around forever if I didn’t give him some, would he have?
Men have needs, women have needs. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s not unhealthy. Men and women need each other. Even when I’m not happy I still am. I feel such love when he takes care of me.
What’s wrong with that?