He Feels the Way He Always Did

Just sittin’ here Just waiting on him to come back home the way I always used to

I’d love to say all that I feel inside if only I could describe it

All I can say is that he feels just the way he always did

I could look at him and say, “It’s still you after all these years”

 

But just look at all that time has done to me now

With paper and pen this writer’s mind goes to work

Sittin’ here as a tear falls down my cheek

Society says we were way too young but how could that ever be true?

 

Because he feels just the way he always did

Grew up together from all the time gone by

Still him and only him; his feel, his smell, his touch I know so well

Still him, only him, since I was seventeen

But God all I’ve got to say is that all men are fools

 

But he still feels just the way he always did when he touches me, holds me

He never abandons me when I cry; when I hurt inside, I cry out for his love, his feel, his touch

But all men are fools when they never listen, when they simply fail to understand

Maybe we were once young and stupid together, then watched it mature

But I know it’s sweet the way he feels, his distinct smell, his breath soft upon my ear

 

I’m waking in the middle of the night, still crying out for him

Never been gone very long without him before I run right back to him

Because I love him so dearly, so passionately; feverishly

The feel of his love, that sweet feeling within me

If it’s always him, just like it’s always been

 

His love, so deep and fulfilling; loving me just the way he’s always been

He feels just the same

His sweetness

His touch is so familiar to me

Every inch of him, just the way he always was, still after all these years

 

Passionate, gripping, hold nothing back from this love now

It’s still his feel, his touch I know so well

Let him inside without shame or fear

There are no rules;

Love is not a game

Trauma bonds whether or not it heals

 

But strengthen here this love;

Laying under him, he feels just the way he always did

 

I softly wrap my arms around him

Bury my head there against his chest

He feels like protection, he feels like love

He feels to me the same as he has always felt

He feels the same as he always did

 

I want to pull him in, hold him close, hide away from the world there in his arms

A preciousness shrouded in secrecy and privacy; I want to pull him in deeper

His solidness, his strength, his weight; he holds me so gently in his arms

I could kiss and hold him with all my love the same as I always have

He feels, all of him, the way he always did

My Covering

My Covering

I try to do my best every day to obey my husband and do what he tells me to do. Inside I feel like God has favored me by giving him to me as my covering; my provision and my protection. He shields me from the world, keeping me there under his wing and in his love. He is my choice. I chose him so long ago whenever I was young. Even in the times that I didn’t want to follow him, I still did, because I didn’t always have much of any other choice. I went with him, as he is my only source of provision in this life so I followed where he led. If he doesn’t listen, then he causes me pain and suffering. If he doesn’t understand, I hold that resentment inside. That’s why he must listen to what I say to him, to the things that my heart needs inside. He must listen to me with love and understanding as he was called to do, putting me above all others, as I do with him in return.

But there is love unimaginable. Whenever I’m lying there with him in the night, I know that I’m safe. It’s safe to let him inside of my body. I can take every bit of him in with love, as I know I’m safe to do so. He’s my covering and I don’t have to fear his abandonment come the morning. I can’t describe that feeling nor that joy whenever he’s inside of me. Sometimes I wonder how anything could ever feel or be so good. To be filled physically by one and only one man that I love and rely on, I know it’s safe to simply open up and relax. There’s something wonderous in the way my female form was made. I love the feel of it, to relish in it.

I don’t feel degraded when I’m lying there under him. In some sense I do feel inferior, but it is only in a good way; inferior in the sense that I know I’m subject to him, yet I have worth and value beyond compare, value that goes far beyond just the physical. All I have to do is ask and he’d give it to me. I know that I am cherished above all other women, beloved above all others. My position is important. There’s something so precious about it, to know how he invades me on the inside, and how I long for him to do so. The most private and intimate of things that I delight in in wonderment, that I would be horrified beyond words to just share with anyone. It’s beautiful beyond words the way my body was made. I have no reason to be scared or sad after the act is over, as it is an act of love, and not of temporary perversion, of the man that I love, of the only man who has ever lain with me, the same man who I have relied on for years.

The way I love him when I’m scared or in danger, the way I come to him. Many times has he picked me up in his arms and carried me; many times have I rested my head against his chest and let him protect and hold me. So easy is it for him to overpower me, but I know he would never hurt me. I delight in the feeling and strength of his arms. The few nights that I have ever been without him were nights of loneliness, pain and fear. If I left him temporarily, it’s like his covering was removed from me, and I was extremely frightened. I’ve always depended on him for my livelihood, knowing no other life but a truly patriarchal one. Yet I know I’ve never been oppressed. I have been favored and loved. I pursue my dreams and passions, yet I do so there under his covering. And I do know the power he has over me in that I have no means to provide for myself. And it’s OK. If I’m depending on him then I need him. If he is providing for me, then I know I am secure. When there is no mixing of the roles, then there is no confusion or contempt. I ask him for the things I need. I feel happy and free. Free to be soft, feminine, devote myself to my home and family and focus on being a woman. His covering allows me to be a feminine woman who doesn’t have to toughen up to focus on advancing in the work world. I don’t have to devote my time to hardening myself and focusing on moving up the career ladder.

Coverture has protected me from being out in the world to be raped, abused, harmed or harassed by other men, or by others in general. Sometimes when I have gone through hard times I’ve stopped and wondered, asked, that if there was really a God out there, then what am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to be? For the last few months I’ve felt this voice inside of me, perhaps an intuition trying to guide me, that speaks to me. But that voice has never told me to be independent, to go out and conquer the world or anything of the sort. The only thing that I hear inside is this voice telling me just to be a woman. And there is something precious inside. My very feminine essence I feel is so precious. And it’s precious when I’m with him, most precious of all the way I feel when he’s inside of me, most precious when he kisses me. I’m odd for the times we live in today, but I am no different than the women who came before me. Above all, I was made to be a woman. I was made to be loved and to be delighted in, that feminine essence inside of me so powerful and unique.

 

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A Woman Through and Through

A Woman Through and Through

I woke up this morning with the sweetest of all songs written upon my heart
My thoughts from the night having stayed with me even when the sun arose in the sky
Oh husband, oh lover, oh dearest friend of mine
Allow me to persuade you now with my words so pure and true
With this heart that is so tender and breaks so easily
This heart that gives and loves oh so faithfully
With this body that is small, yet tender, soft and yielding
I am soft on the inside, like the gentle wind that blows across the land at night
Let me take your worries and all of your fears
Come lose yourself deep within my depths
Let me sway you with the pleading in these soft green eyes when a gentle tear does fall from my face
I could never hurt you, only love you
My body is full and ripe, every curve made to receive your love
My soul does bleed so easily, when harsh words rip it to shreds
So I plead with you not to hurt me now
Be easy with your words and actions towards me
Even though I do persevere, I do still break so easily
With your arms that are so strong and sturdy, come wrap them around me
Run your fingers gently through my hair
Kiss me softly upon my cheek
Calm and protect me with your strength and abiding love
I cannot always know this mind of mine
But I do so well know my heart inside
My breasts are so soft and supple, caress them lovingly with your rough hands
Your touch brings a wave of pleasure so sweet and warm through me
My stomach is flat and smooth, my waist indented in the most poetic and beautiful way
My legs and back are strong
My feet are bare; their soles calloused from running across the rocks
My hair is scented to entice you, come inhale deeply of it
I let it grow so long; I have never cut it
But I think I understand it all now
My body and mind have matured
I am neither man nor child, but woman through and through
My mind, my sweet smell and my being all exclaim that it is indeed true
And a woman is what I’ll forever be for you

He Must Already Be In Love

I must have written a million poems, countless unfinished novels, only to tear them all to shreds and throw them in the fire
I couldn’t find the words to say what was in my heart, couldn’t find my story to show you, this here, my one true desire

***

Remember these words that I say to you here
Whispered upon my lips like the sweetest song
No matter what he might say or what he might do
You can never make him wait too long

I want to feel the strength of your arms, the warmth and weight of your body
Come hold me, come touch and explore the preciousness and mess on the inside
I’ll give you my love, my fidelity
I’ll give you everything I am

But remember these words here that I say to you
No matter what he might say or what he might do
That you can never make him wait too long
He must already be in love
Before you give him your body
He must already prove himself to be true

Run with me through a field of flowers
Fill my heart with joy
I want to follow you
Protect me with your strength and provide for me from your means
Even though they may be meager

But remember all these things that I have ever said to you
Remember what I wrote
No matter what he may ever say or do
You can never make him wait too long
Before you give him your body
He must already be in love

Be my sweet covering
My husband, my love, be my everything
My strong fortress in times of war and strife
The advice and wisdom I seek
The only one to ever touch or hold me

But always remember these things here that I say he must do
It doesn’t matter the words he may speak
The only thing that matters is the commitment he will or won’t make to you

No matter what you might feel
You must see reality for what it really is
No matter the strong emotions he evokes inside
Let them wash over you like the incoming tide
But still, you can never make him wait too long

Guard your heart
Before you give him your body
Just remember this one thing
No matter what he says right now
He must already be in love

A Woman’s Needs

“The center of a woman’s happiness in marriage is to be loved- but the center of a man’s is to be admired.” – Helen B. Andelin 

It’s well known that a man has needs. A good wife fulfills those needs. A good wife takes care of the children, the home, greets her husband at the door, feeds him home-cooked meals, gives him sex regularly, makes him feel like a man… If she doesn’t fulfill those needs then her husband strays and it’s all her fault…

Yet the woman stays home every day, keeps herself in good shape, makes her home pretty, faithfully attends to her duties…And all the while she waits…

Every once in a while she wants to let her hair fall down her back, to dress up pretty and be appreciated. The heels on her feet, the stockings so carefully rolled up her legs, the powdered face and rouged lips, the cinched in waist and minidress…An investment that gives no return…Nobody’s around to see it, to appreciate it. To sit there for hours looking pretty but getting nothing but a headache in return for all her attention to detail. On the weekends she hopes he’ll notice her, that he’ll take her out. She waits all day but nobody ever sees her, ever notices her. At the end of the day she resigns herself once again to her fate, washes the makeup off and never expects anything will ever change. It’s all been a waste. Might as well let the house get dirty and the dishes pile up in the sink and not worry about the mascara streaks down her face from where she’s cried so much…Her makeup’s ruined now but it’s not like he’d notice. He’ll never take her out this weekend or the next. He’s never done so but maybe once or twice in all these years…

The longing desire for happiness, for attention, to be shown off every once in a while. The desire to be loved. The desire for once to get a break from the constant housework, the bleeding hands and the noisy and messy children… But for her there is no escape. She fulfills his needs but he never has time for hers. Either he doesn’t understand or he doesn’t care that she needs more than what he’s giving.

Like most men he doesn’t get it and if she draws away from him it’s some big shocker that he never saw coming. It’s almost a point of pride for a man to exclaim that he doesn’t understand a woman, but it’s really not all that hard. She just wants him but he always has something better to do… She doesn’t want some fool that dotes on her every word- no she’d be disgusted at him for that and think him less of a man. But she wants to feel like a woman, she wants to be loved and appreciated. Just as much as he wants the chance to be a man she wants the chance to be a woman. He may provide for her physical needs, but emotionally he deprives her.

And the winter days fade to spring and the spring days blossom bright and hot into summer. Yet she still sits there, pretty and waiting for something that’s never going to come…