Several years ago I found myself sitting in my gynecologist’s office. My menstrual cycle was a complete wreck and I didn’t really understand for certain what was going on. Of course, I had also been suffering from severe anxiety and it was taking quite a toll on my life. After giving me a physical checkup and seeing that I was healthy and certainly not pregnant or anything, my doctor (the same one who agreed to sterilize me a couple of years earlier) then cupped my face in his hands and said these words to me; “A woman is a creature of her emotions.”
And so it is. I think one of the biggest problems between men and women today is not only our failure to understand one another but also our attempts to make us alike to one another. There are the men out there who don’t understand how real these emotions are, then there are the men who simply don’t care and, worst of all, there are the men out there who purposely manipulate those emotions for their own selfish purposes.
You can see this all the time in the manosphere where writers and commenters are constantly whining about women, talking about how useless women are and sharing tips and techniques on how to “game” women and even how to stay as emotionally distant as possible while doing so that way it’ll be easier just to dump the woman off when he’s done using her. Some of the techniques and little tricks are ridiculous and crazy but some are downright abusive and even dangerous. They seem to want a society where they have access to easy sex yet no parental responsibility to children they father (unless they WANT to be involved) in the process and no responsibility to marry. At the same time they want a traditional society where women are good little girls and dress and act accordingly! Never mind that society has never let men completely off the hook without marriage or financial responsibility to children fathered outside of marriage or without any regulation of male sexuality along with the regulation of female sexuality.
I’ve slightly delved into the subject of emotional abuse before. A lot of the aspects of “game” are predicated on psychological manipulation. Some of that manipulation is harmless and ridiculous to warrant nothing more than a simple eye roll at the stupidity of it. But some of it goes into the realm of covert emotional manipulation, a kind of manipulation most often used by sociopathic, narcissistic, and machiavellian personalities. This type of manipulation can often leave long-lasting psychological scars, often leaving the victim to suffer from PTSD and sometimes needing to even seek therapy. It can be extremely dangerous and damaging and, unlike physical abuse, doesn’t leave physical signs of abuse which can even leave the victim even more isolated as some of the abuse (gaslighting in particular) can be very subtle.
You often hear talk of so-called “shit tests” and the like in the manosphere. It’s often talked about in a negative light, but this is a completely normal thing for women to do. It’s also a normal part of a healthy functioning society, as in pretty much every society boys had to prove themselves through a series of tests in order to become men. How do you know if he’s really a man? You put him to the test. How do you know if he really cares about you or just sees you as a source of sex? You put him to the test. He’ll either rise to the challenge and prove himself or he’ll fail. Men will go out of their way for sex, but will a man go out of his way for the woman herself? Does he truly love her? Can he prove that love? How can she know for sure? The only way a woman can know is to test him.
Most men have no idea the damage they do and the emotional turmoil they cause by reappearing and disappearing from a woman’s life and refusing to communicate in between. More abusive types do this purposely to try to string a woman along without having to put in the effort to make a real relationship. And still I think it’s a big myth circulating in society that men won’t wait for sex. That women have to give it up RIGHT now(!) or else he’ll just instantly move on and get it somewhere else. And it’s true, he might. Having sex won’t change a man’s mind about a woman. He either wants to be with her or he doesn’t. He either loves her or he doesn’t. Giving it up won’t change that. Yes he might be able to “get it” elsewhere. But if he loves the woman then he’ll put in the effort for her. And that’s the only way a woman can know if she’s just a convenient source of ***** for him of if he’s invested in her as a person. Men differentiate between women they just want sex from and women they really want to commit to and make a real relationship with. Testosterone also blocks the effects of Oxytocin leaving men even more capable of casual sex without getting attached. There have always been “easy” women and men have since the beginning of time visited brothels and strip clubs and saloons, etc…
And, ultimately, nothing is foolproof. There are no guarantees in life. And relationships are hard- they always have been. I think also we let relationships go too easily in our society today and see people as disposable, much like everything else in our world today. How many times have you heard people say that many of their relationships started out because they instantly jumped into bed together? The key word here is “many.” They’ve been in and out of “many” relationships that probably didn’t last very long. You give yourself away too easily. If he loves you, he’ll come after you. If not then putting in the effort for you personally just won’t be worth it unless he knows there will be the immediate award of sex.
Wait it out. There are different phases of love and waiting is also a good way to weed out the bad and manipulative sorts whose intent is to play games and do harm. The first phase of love is infatuation. This can be a very dangerous time as various chemicals and hormones in the body are running wild. People can do very crazy things in this phase and if you find yourself getting too worked up and experiencing the symptoms of infatuation you need to pull back some- especially if the love isn’t being returned. Have minimal to no contact with him until things calm down. Taking it slow can also allow you to see a man’s behavior patterns to know if he’s an abusive sort. There are some personalities, such as those afflicted with malignant narcissism for instance, who will take advantage of your emotions. If you see the man has manipulative tendencies go complete no contact with him- at least until the initial infatuation phase wears off. Also beware of any hovering attempts when you’re at your most vulnerable.
After infatuation (which can last from days or up to two years at most) wears off one of two things will happen. You will either a) not care one way or the other about the man or whether he fell off the face of the earth or Martians came and abducted his body and carted him off to another planet to never be seen or heard from by the human race again or b) infatuation will transform into a deeper, more mature and calmer love.
The key thing too is communication. This is also a big key to how much a man really cares. It makes all the difference in the world. It makes the difference between the man who isn’t really invested and just likes having a steady and convenient source of ***** and the man who makes the effort to take you by the hand and lead you into his life, to make you a part of his world. If men weren’t creatures who would gladly take sex from even a moderately attractive woman with no strings attached without putting hardly a second thought into it then who goes chasing after who wouldn’t be an issue. As it is, this is the only way a woman can truly know what she means to a man. The only way. Men who deliberately and purposely keep you guessing, off-balance and unsure of where you really stand with them are playing games. If his actions don’t match his words, then he’s not serious and probably isn’t to be trusted. Never give yourself away to a man unless you’re completely sure about him.
And as stated above, there are no guarantees. In a healthy functioning society marriage would be the highest form of commitment and offer surety and security for a woman. But even then, marriage is a legal contract. It doesn’t change human nature or feelings and more often than not in human history it was entered into with no thought or mention of love. Of course, ideally there should be love and two people can come together in love and build a life. The contract of marriage centers on the sharing of a life, property, children, finances and lays out rights and responsibilities between a couple in regards to each other and any offspring. But it can’t prevent a man from running off or betraying a woman by any means. A husband can disappear just as quickly and easily as a lover, and countless throughout history have. An affair, for instance, is an issue that concerns you, your spouse, your lover and your god. Divorce is an issue that concerns all of society.
Sometimes we decide relationships are harmful and walk away. Other times we choose to stick it out. Whether already in a relationship, waiting to have sex, or hoping someone will be real and stop playing games or finally love us in return, there is no set time limit. Some advice says things like “wait three months to have sex” or “break up if he hasn’t given you a ring by month six” or things of the sort. But how long you wait or how long you stick it out depends on the individuals involved and the circumstances. You have to judge this for yourself.
Back real quick to the subject of abuse, there are real disturbed characters out there. There are those who physically abuse and there are also those who mentally abuse. Mental abuse can oftentimes be even worse than physical abuse and just as dangerous. Now here I’m not talking about your run-of the-mill asshole. An asshole still does have the ability to care, feel remorse and empathy and know right from wrong. Those afflicted with narcissism or sociopathy however do not. In some cases they can get better, but in many cases they cannot. The first goal should always be to protect yourself from harm and abuse.
Ultimately, you can’t change another person nor should you try. Love is indeed patient and kind, keeping no record of wrong. But boundaries have to be set. A woman should never underestimate the power she truly does have inside. If you do love a man, you can lead him into that place of love. Let him know that love is waiting for him if he can be real and good to you. And once again ladies never give away sex hoping to keep him around. Sex is a gift he earns by being real and true to you. Your body should be reserved for the man that provides for and protects you and is truly there for you. Stay with the man , or choose the man, who has proven himself.
Note here that not every man is going to be good at communication and I think women push too hard for men to be more woman-like sometimes and talk about things. But both sexes have to come to the understanding that we are different and we don’t feel, communicate or express love in the same way. Men generally express love by their actions, so don’t push him to get emotional. If he’s prone to be manipulative or gaslight then you may need to push him to make himself more clear or even keep a journal of events for your own protection (this is for your own mental clarity).
And, again, these things are never easy. When we love someone we accept them as they are, flaws and all. If you do choose to stick it out with someone who does have issues such as narcissism you need to learn all you can about the condition and about covert emotional manipulation. If the man is just a bit distant, realize it’s not always the sign of a problem. Some people are more moody, some overly hyper, some complain about everything. Also not all chronic manipulators have personality disorders. Some might have just learned to manipulate as a coping mechanism early in life. Still some may use it to succeed in their careers and just fail to stop the behavior even with those they love and those that love them. Either way it can still cause harm. It is what it is. It’s up to you to decide when or if you should let him go. If you’re being abused then definitely distance yourself. If that’s not an option then you might need to seek help from others you trust or get therapy. Again, the abuse part of this article is very relevant, especially with the red pill types running around out there.
If you just don’t see it, then it probably isn’t there. Perhaps it will be someday, perhaps it won’t. But either way you go on about your life. He’ll either be apart of it or he won’t but you can’t wait around for him to make up his mind because he won’t do it unless he has to. And never respond to any kind of lame or inconsistent initiation of contact from a man. If a man’s been playing games or not wanting to commit in the past it’s still possible for a relationship in the future but I’d say to treat the situation as though you were dealing with a former abuser (because in a way that’s how it is, as game playing can cause such devastating psychological damage and emotional distress to a woman). Yes, people can change and maybe he will. But there is going to have to be a long probation period where he’s going to have to prove himself first. Just remember, ladies, you are worth it. If he doesn’t see you as worthy of a real relationship then you should not see him as worthy of your body or even a fraction of your time. Take it slow, wait him out, assess the situation, listen to your instincts and go from there.