Monthly Archives: August 2017

Let It Hurt

Pain and suffering I hold deep in my heart. The feminine suffers pain in the heart and in the body, sometimes caused by the masculine. That’s just the way it is. I accept it, I embrace it, even when I can hardly endure it. It’s hard sometimes to withstand such pain. But I’m a woman. I bleed and I feel and it isn’t always pretty. I don’t always make sense of what I feel or of what I say- even to myself. But I’m a woman. I’m not meant to be understood. I’m not meant to be so stable. I’ll cry. I’ll scream sometimes. I’ll terrify the living Hell out of you with the storm that brews deep inside of me. Don’t try to understand me, just be that fortress that holds strong until the storm has passed.

But would you love me any other way? If I asked you to get down on your knees and cry, to show your softer side, to be emotional, to tell me how you really feel deep inside- would you like it? Would I offend you as a man? Would I be attracted to you if you became more like a woman? You know I wouldn’t, you feel it deep inside. I’d say and insist with my words that I want you to be that way, but I’d only hate you if you truly were. I’d only be repulsed if you truly were. So don’t ask me to shut down the storm inside, even when the waves are threatening and fierce, even when they rock the boat so much that it might capsize. The storm can’t be tamed or contained, only endured. It can destroy and it can heal. It has a dark side. I’ve known this to be true. I know that I feel it on the inside. There is a dark and dangerous side to femininity, as there is a dark side to masculinity. A man in a fit of rage can be terrifying to a woman as much as he is attractive to her, because he is displaying masculinity in its most pure and raw form, as a woman does with her nurturing and her emotions.

But ladies don’t hate him because he’s a man, don’t stamp out that masculinity (and on the flip-side, don’t ever let the world stamp out that feminine light within you. It’s OK to cry and be emotional, just like it’s OK for him to be withdrawn or even a bit aggressive). Just try to understand him, to feel him. And I know. I see it all the more every day. But I also know that peace of belonging completely to somebody, of holding the love of a capable and strong man, and it was worth the pain endured.

I remember how I laughed as we sat in the park eating peaches like teenagers. I clung to his arm for reassurance and protection as we walked together along the dam. Then I turned the heads of all the men who saw me like I always do. But I was docile- I didn’t actively seek their attention. I just existed. I was just a woman, letting my light shine. I know he withdraws, I feel him when he’s about to. He needs to. I need him to. But so long as I can still feel him, so long as I still have the assurance that he’s there, so long as I still have his love. I know that need. A man has to withdraw so as not to be clingy or needy and perhaps even to work on himself to improve himself, to sort through life’s problems the way a man does. That polarity has to exist in male-female interactions and it is ultimately the man’s burden and responsibility to keep the attraction going, even if it sometimes causes panic in a woman’s mind.

I look at the world and how it seems to hate masculinity, and even popular celebrities that decry men who try to run “game” on women. Pick-up-artistry is immoral for men who care nothing for women and seek to deceive them and use them, but men are ultimately doing it for women. Men want and need women and are constantly seeking to improve themselves to get women. Men have to be the seducers, or else nobody would ever be having sex- and that’s truth.

And I think I know. I think I know that on some level the man has to hurt you. It should never be extreme or abusive or with mal intent, but there has to be some level of pain on the emotional level. Sometimes there’s even pain on a physical level. But as a woman I cling to him, need him, and want him to take care of me because he’s strong. I need him to be strong- to be all the things that I am not- but being secure in his love and commitment. No woman wants a weak man any more than a man feels that deep attraction to a masculine woman who’s just “one of the guys”- even if both will take what’s in front of them until something better comes along.

Maybe all I am saying is this- let it hurt some, but only if the man is good and true and his intentions are true. Only for a man that will really always be there for you- your husband on the sexual level and trustworthy other men in your life that you look up to. Just as men have to stay strong and endure the storm that is female emotions (even when they want to run, and many in fact will run away fearing or unable to handle it), allow the man to seduce, to work his game. But only if the intent is to have a better relationship with you, only if the intent is to make himself stronger and more attractive to you and ultimately make himself a better man in the process.

My husband would withdraw a lot and sometimes it was annoying, sometimes I even bitched about it, but I understand that I wanted him to do that some. I didn’t want to be with a woman who wanted non-stop “connection.” But I knew he was committed to me so it wasn’t a problem. So long as I could still feel him, still know he was there and was true and devoted to me and fulfilling his responsibilities towards me, it didn’t matter. He even has women he talks to all the time. I’ve seen women calling him- and I have never even once given a damn because I know he’s good and true. I don’t even have the slightest clue where he is half of the time because I let him be a man and trust in his love for me.

I’ve let the men in my life beat me down some and accepted it when it wasn’t abusive, anyway. If they were just trying to protect me, or retain authority I consented to it. I knew I was being disregarded or pushed aside and I silently consented to it, just the same as I have cried and threw my tantrums and caused some havoc and the men have dealt with it. I’m a woman. I don’t want to be a man and I know that men, no matter what they might say, don’t ultimately want women to be or act like men do. They want women to be women- and we likewise want them to be men.

A woman will test a man, to make sure he’s still there for her, to see how strong he really is. Similarly, men will also test women to see her value and worth; to see if she’ll easily give in to him or if she is worth investing in, to see if she is morally superior to him and his own (often short-term) motivations. There isn’t a single good or bad thing that men inflict upon women that women don’t inflict something similar upon men in return- and that’s life.

Nonetheless, it’s a woman’s burden to weed out what a man’s true intentions are. Many manosphere men are damaged, and they attract damaged women in return. In the end they have nothing. You don’t want men like that and you don’t want to be the kind of woman these men attract and abuse. But don’t be annoyed or angry when he runs game, just filter out the intentions behind it. Men run game to be attractive; to be able to get and keep women- especially women of high value who value themselves and guard their sexuality.

Men are difficult, but so are women. I just tell all the women who read my words what I discover as I go through life, what I see in the world around me and the things I have learned and the things I’ve understood. Understand men and why they act as they do. There are bad men you can’t trust to be sure and men you should protect yourself from (and seek protection from). And that’s our burden, and a heavy burden our sexuality can be to bear at times! I know I feel it every day. I feel the burden of it and sometimes it really sucks. Sometimes being a woman is hard, so very hard and painful. But if a man loves you then you can endure the pain masculinity can sometimes cause, just as a man in love will endure a woman’s words (that she often times doesn’t mean, at least not in the way they come out of her mouth) and emotions, no matter how cutting or frantic.

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The Needs of My Heart Are A Two-Tiered Thing

But the needs of my heart are indeed a two-tiered thing. It is not enough solely for a man to be masculine, though him being masculine is indeed necessary. The stereotypical masculine characteristics, such as strength, decisiveness, aggression, dominance, etc… are necessary for attraction, much in the same way that feminine traits are also necessary for attraction. A man can be masculine, a man can be “alpha,” but that alone is not enough for me to open myself to him. After all, many men can be described as “alpha,” but that doesn’t mean anything. When I perceive that a man is a threat to me in some way, or that he might do me wrong or doesn’t even respect me, etc… I can feel my body closing up. It is my instincts, telling me not to allow this man in- and this is a good thing.

Women crave masculinity in men. In the modern society the majority of women, however, are getting masculinity in unhealthy ways. They might chase after the jerk or the bad-boy- men who might indeed be considered “alpha” or masculine- and in doing so obtain the masculinity they need and crave, but they miss out on the other part of the equation- the part of the equation that is necessary to be truly content and fulfilled in the deepest of ways- and that part of the equation is also love, the part where a man cherishes and loves a woman for who she is, for everything about her that makes her feminine.

I’ve always considered the concept of coverture- the old legal doctrine where husband and wife are one, where the wife is fully covered by the husband, in so much where she is considered by law and society to be a “covered woman” as the ideal. In the real world he covers me, as he also does in the sex act. The doctrine of coverture considered both husband and wife to be one in life and legal matters, the same as we are one when we join our bodies. And I feel it, when I am lying there under him. I don’t need a bunch of tricks or games, and as I have said before I am never degraded. I can open myself up and fully relax, fully let go, because I am secure in his love for me. I just relax and allow him to lead and I feel pleasure, pleasure that I can only describe as “sweet.” I have both the masculinity and security that I crave being under both the influence and protection of a dominant man.

But let’s give the scenario that a man is masculine, but the equation of love and commitment is not there. I feel the initial stirrings of attraction to the man because he is dominant. Let’s say he drags me off all Clint Eastwood style (a terrible example that I am loathe to use, but an example nonetheless) and “ravishes” me. OK, he’s proved his dominance. He’s the “alpha male,” but if he doesn’t love me and is not truly committed to me then I am only being used and degraded and will be left alone and broken in the end. I could never fully allow myself to open up to a man in such a way, and indeed, on top of having trouble reaching orgasm during intercourse in the first place, women are only half as likely to do so during any kind of casual sexual encounters with a man. Most women don’t orgasm during sex, and I do think this is more of a psychological thing. They can’t truly let go (even I cannot orgasm if I don’t feel secure and controlled, when I can’t truly “let go”). They have lost their feminine selves in the pursuit of equality with men. It is the deepest of all psychological needs of a female, to depend upon and submit to a dominant male, and it is also the deepest of all human needs- to love and be loved in return.

In life he is stronger than me. It doesn’t bother me to give up any rights I might have had as a single woman and live under the authority of a man. It’s OK in my mind if I cannot act legally without his consent. I chose him because I love him, and why would I not want to truly be one with him in every way? It’s OK if he is my voice and speaks for me and makes the decisions for the family. It allows me to feel secure and cherished and taken care of.

Perhaps our ancestors knew something about life and human nature that we today have forgotten or refuse to see. Perhaps these women weren’t so “oppressed” as we are led to believe. A system such as coverture would not have lasted if women had simply refused to accept it- but accept it they did. They accepted it because it created peace and harmony between the sexes, stabilized marriage, family life and male-female relationships. But I suspect these women were much more content than any of us know today, because we only hear about the women who “misbehaved” and rebelled. We don’t know what the other women were thinking or feeling, except for in the very few written records that exist (where they claimed contentment and felt loved by their men). It’s not like they were out publicly having discussions about orgasms.

Back to the ravishment situation, we’ll say now that the dominant man is my husband. He’s masculine, showing assertiveness and aggression- the necessary components for attraction- but this go around I know he is committed to me. In this case I can relax, open up fully and let go. It’s OK if I reach for him, because I want and desire him. I crave him and can reach for him, wanting all of him and more, ever more. I can wrap my arms around him and urge him on, or I can just relax and close my eyes and simply enjoy him shamelessly. There’s nothing to feel ashamed about and it is a private act. I can relax and just let him lead me. It’s OK to enjoy it. It’s OK to love the way he feels and like what he’s doing. I feel a sweetness deep in my belly and I smile in my joy and contentment. He’s strong and I love to admire the way he feels, but I also know I am loved and cherished, that I am secure. When he’s done, wherever he goes, I know he’ll be coming right back to me. He’s still my covering, providing me with all the necessaries in life even after he has withdrawn from me. He’s still my protection and I can always come to him. And many times over the years I have come up to him and tugged him on the arm, telling him what I need and he has listened to me and welcomed me in his arms, in his love.

It’s not a dirty thing, that I love the feeling afterwards that it’s like his essence is still there inside of me. I feel cherished and loved for all the things that uniquely make me female. I feel content that he is the one and only one to ever touch me. He provides that protection and covering over me.

On the flip-side, a man might still provide for a woman and be her covering, but if she is not loved and cherished by the man (such as might be the case in a harem, or with a rich man and beautiful woman much younger than him when either party is only in the relationship for what one can get out of the other), then she is still just being used and degraded. I want to know that he sees who I am as a female, loves me for me, loves every inch of how I’m made, from the generous bounty of my breasts, to the weakness of my arms, the softness of my voice and of my curves, to the way I was designed to give and carry life. I want to know that I hold him captive in my love, beauty and femininity.

And yet again, there is another side to this equation. There is the circumstance where a man genuinely loves and cherishes a woman, yet he is not masculine- he is not dominant and he does not lead. This situation again creates a deep discontentment. The dominant man without love for the woman exerts masculinity in an abusive and tyrannical way against the woman, but the man who loves without being dominant robs the woman of her deep need to rely upon a strong man to protect and lead her. And I do know this one. When I felt he no longer led me, I ran somewhat wild. I was confused inside and deeply hurt. I cried, I temporarily took on paid employment, I never wanted to be home. Our marriage and family life fell to shreds because the natural order had been overturned. But I tried. I left notes trying to explain how I felt and what I needed, hoping he would find them. And at the end, when things calmed down and he finally started becoming the man he needed to be again, order was restored, but there was and potentially always will be, some hurt that won’t heal and wounds that have left deep scars that will forever remain.

I asked him why he would have just let me go; why he didn’t step up to be the man that I needed him to be. And I cried, and sometimes still cry, whenever I ask him the question “Why?” He thought if he just gave me independence and let me do my own thing- that if he just let me go- that I would be happy, and that was the mistake he made, much like the passive male of the 1950s created discontentment that led to women’s lib and the destruction of family life, male-female relationships and the overall social order, his passivity in stepping down from the leadership role was disastrous in the same exact way, causing problems that ripped our family and lives apart.

I didn’t want independence whenever I separated myself from him. I wanted to be led. I wanted to depend on him. I wanted him to be a man and be strong once again, to be the man I had chosen so long ago. I needed that masculinity that is expressed in a healthy and beneficial way. Because with it I am whole and complete. Because I can just relax when he leads and covers me. I can open up and be content and feel overwhelming joy, happiness and pleasure- both of a physical and psychological nature. When he gives me gifts, he is showing that he cherishes me and will provide me with the things I need. When he leads me, he is telling me that everything is OK. I don’t have to worry about anything. The natural order is set right and no amount of money, no independence or paycheck can ever give that true happiness and contentment. And isn’t true happiness, love and contentment the greatest of all the things one might achieve in this life?

 

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Disrupting the Patriarchy