Stop Doing the Dishes

For years I sat and watched as he failed. I tried and tried to support him in everything that he would do, yet grew more disheartened every time. When a man fails to lead, it’s pretty much the end of everything. He loses the woman’s trust and respect and his family disintegrates.

He thinks he could win over my affections by doing the dishes for me, cooking, or trying to act cool or something, but he doesn’t realize that I’m only repulsed by all of this. He sat and did nothing while I grew physically and mentally ill. I lost a bunch of hair, I became underweight and malnourished (I’m still borderline underweight, but that’s mostly due to high levels of physical activity that kept me from re-gaining, not sickness) and became so mentally distressed that I could barely function in day-to-day life. When I wanted him to get up and be a man, he instead sat down and became what I can only define as a pussyfied beta wimp. It’s like he completely missed that look of pleading and disgust in my eyes. I even told him to do something (about me actually) but he wouldn’t.

For a woman to lead, provide for, or protect a man is a violation of everything natural and right in the universe. As I’ve said for many years, there seems to be two worlds- the world of the internet and the real world. I was talking to a man last night (he honestly thought I was 19 years old, I told him he was my new favorite person). He, like you see so many men doing in the manosphere, was divorced and swore he’d never go back down that road and make that “mistake” again- yet he’s going to. That’s what happens when you love someone. He’s waiting on her right now to marry her, though personal circumstances are keeping them apart. He said to me that you don’t know how hard that situation is, and I hope you never find out (the particular circumstances being pretty bad). Of course, nobody knows about my personal life there. I keep it hidden in obscurity. They don’t know why I’m really there.

A man’s top priority should be to do what’s best for his family, even in difficult circumstances, but my husband never could do that. I came back to him, I gave him chances, yet he failed. And I know he failed because of cowardice. I’ve seen him do this so many times, forgoing jobs because of fear of having to travel or something, then making up excuses as to why we must stay in our current situation or giving me some bullshit line about why he didn’t get the job (it was their fault…I put option “c” and they didn’t like it). As many women know, it’s a letdown when a man fails to be a man. He chose to keep us in the same situation, even if it meant losing his wife and having his family torn apart. He chose to stay in his comfort zone instead of taking his family and going elsewhere or doing whatever else needed to be done.

I came home from work last night and he had done the dishes and cleaned up the kitchen (even though I had cleaned earlier in the day). I was absolutely repulsed. I hated him for it. I want a man, not a housemaid. It’s one thing for him to help out when I was sick, but if he thought I wanted him to split chores with me (he doesn’t expect me to pay the bills, I put all my money in savings for if I should need it) he was sorely mistaken. Not that telling him any of that would help. He doesn’t get it. He never has.

Nor would he ever pay attention when I tried to tell him what I needed and wanted, or ever pay attention to me much at all. I asked him to take me out once and all he said was “where do you want me to take you?” in an assholish way. I just cried and ran off, miserable and lonely. Last night he wrote on a piece of paper living expenses if we were to move, then came into the kitchen and put the piece of paper down on the table in front of me. I tore it up and threw it at him, telling him to get the **** out of my sight. I try to tell him of my pain and my needs and that he hasn’t been taking care of me and he always blows up at me for it, then puts all the blame on me for everything. He says he doesn’t understand me. I told him perhaps if he paid half as much attention to me as ************* did then maybe he might.

He becomes angry and belligerent when I point out that he has failed. If he becomes too angry, he grabs me by the neck and yells at me or holds me down. I scream at him to let me go, to get off of me, to which his only response is to yell at me to calm down and practically spitting in my face. It’s a horrible thing to feel trapped like that, with no option to get away and nobody that would ever help you or care for you. I know he gets angry like that because what I say is true. He even said himself that he has no excuses.

A man is supposed to lead, to protect, to be competent, yet I find myself writing essays for him for classes and telling him how to accurately spell words. He sees me suffering and being mentally abused and even harassed when I do simple things like even driving down the driveway, yet he could never remove us from the situation.

And I say all this not to vent, but to tell women- especially younger women- to be careful who you love (and yes I did love him). Be even more careful who you choose to have children with. I know I shouldn’t have come back to him, but I did. I gave him another chance. He made promises to change the situation and he failed- again. But I knew he would fail. I was only a teenager when we met. The truth was that he was a loser. He wasn’t smart or even cool (even he’ll tell you that much). But I didn’t know it. I was young and naïve, not realizing the power of what I had as a female between my legs and giving it away for little to nothing in return. When it was all said and done, I didn’t even want him anymore. But by that time I had locked myself down with a child and it was too late for me.

Especially young men, they will run girls into the ground and make themselves seem unattainable and like they’re something great, because they want what the girls have, and they’re doing what they think will allow them to get it. (Don’t believe it? Listen to any rap song, read the endless obsession on every site geared towards men out there and see how highly they strive for sex and affection from women.) In reality, they’re nothing special. It’s all a bargaining strategy; never let the other person know that what they have is something you really need or want because then they could demand a higher price for it (because you want it, and they have it, giving them the upper hand). In this case, for the girls, it would be a committed relationship or other forms of romance and love.

I stayed because of my daughter. I would still always hope his family could continue to be family to me even if I’m no longer with my husband, and I want my daughter to have the life growing up I never had. I would never take her from here because she deserves to have family. My mother’s relatives use the excuse that “we’re her family too.” I tell them that it’s just too bad. I will never live down there unless forced by circumstances and neither will my daughter. If they wanted to be family, they should have stuck around. They made their own choices.

But patriarchy is a good system, even if individual men might be evil or misguided. It’s supposed to be about children, family, and deeper bonding between men and women through commitment. But sometimes separation is necessary. Circumstances forced me to go out and make my own money. I don’t know if I’d ever be with another man or not, but I do wish to be. If a man does truly love a woman he wants to provide for her and protect her. There are good men out there and traditional men too, and working I get to see that, to see men who don’t think being a man means being abusive. Many of them are still chivalrous too, so long as the woman is receptive to it and willing to be led.

Perhaps one day I’ll be a housewife again fully. The deepest fulfillment is in bonding with a man. I don’t seek agency or independence. I’d rather give that up to depend on a man and follow his lead. But for now, I face heartbreak and pain. But I’ll always be that advocate for the traditional girl. Never fear, I’m not going anywhere.

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3 thoughts on “Stop Doing the Dishes

  1. Much of this post sounds familiar to me. In the beginning of my relationship, my SO also was negligent and wasn’t doing nearly enough to take care of us both and I also became malnourished and physically and mentally ill, and he did nothing about it. He and I had met online and formed a deep emotional connection there and seemed so alike and compatible, but then as soon as I moved in, it all went to hell. I was loathe to go back to my parents where I was constantly criticized and picked at and pushed like a race horse. And I certainly didn’t see any better men out there. In fact, I’ve gotten lots of disapproval and mansplaining from men about how I need to “get out there” and some have even tried to ruin my relationship and tell my SO he should leave me.
    So, yeah, I got with a loser too, and he still is one from most people’s point of view tbh. But he is taking steps to greatly improve our situation and has become more protective of me over time and is really quite sweet to me, and hates people who are mean to me and put me down. And the truth is I expect so much from him and he expects nothing from me. It must be hard to completely support other people and meet their emotional needs. I wouldn’t want to do it! So I can appreciate his efforts to be a real man, even though he’s far from perfect yet.
    This post of yours does explain a lot. I’m no fundie, and really I don’t even care about what people think is “traditional” – I just am this way because it is my nature. To me, gender roles are eternal; I don’t need to look backward. So if you find a man who can care for you better and take care of your needs, I wouldn’t blame you for leaving your husband for him. We had no guidance, only disapproval as girls – so it’s no surprise many of us will make poor choices when young.

    1. You know i do sometimes wonder about men who try to play into the whole “girl power” thing. I think some of them do it in the hopes of impressing the girl (maybe they are confused themselves with how to go about getting the girl, a lot are). Just like how some men try to be jerks, they think it will allow them to score with women, yet they miss the bigger picture.

      I didn’t say he was a loser now only that he has failed to do what’s best for his family.

      It’s mens nature to be leaders and protectors. I believe men still feel this, but perhaps they’re just trying to give women what they say they want and backing down and feeling like it just isn’t worth it when women rise to the top while they fall behind. But obviously nobody is happy that way, men or women, everyone is looking for a better way I think.

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