I went shopping yesterday with my own money. I spent copious amounts of money on new shoes, a little sexy lingerie and some makeup, but I don’t really care. I got absolutely no enjoyment out of it. I could give a damn less if the stuff went missing tomorrow. It could never mean half as much to me as the clothes that were once given to me by a man I loved. I cherished the clothes a man I loved would provide for me, even when the money spent was half that of what I spent on my own, because it endeared me to him, every stitch of clothing being more valuable than anything because he gave them to me.
I went by my grandmother’s and sat and talked with her for a while. I avoided looking at the pictures on the wall off in the corner behind me so I never got around to crying like I thought I might. We talked for a while and I enjoyed that. She won’t be in the state forever I know, as she’ll be moving in a year or two to be by my aunt, hundreds of miles away. I know nothing lasts forever, but I remember the truth in what she said to me, that it’s no fun being alone. And she’s alone now, the same as I now feel alone in my heart, without a man’s love and masculinity to complete me.
I don’t want to be out in that world alone, I don’t want to be working a job. When I clean and run around for someone, I want it to be for a man I love. I was made to be softer and weaker. I wasn’t made like a man who was given much greater physical and mental strength to go forth and endure the harshness of the world. Going forth into the world is masculinizing and hardening, it takes from a woman’s femininity and value.
I dream of bare feet and warm, sunny days where I can laugh and play with those I love. I dream of waiting once again for the man I love to come home. I dream of cooking and cleaning and enjoying the wonders of homemaking and being there for the man I love once again. I dream of laying in bed as my hair fans out upon the pillows, curling up and gently breathing in his scent as I patiently await for his return. I dream of those days once again of having no concern for the outside world, but simply being that helper to a man I love. A woman was made to complete a man, she wasn’t made to compete with him or go out and conquer the world with him. I want to love him. I want to complete him.
But none of these desires in my heart can ever change the fact that I just simply don’t want to be here anymore. Perhaps it’s just that some people just weren’t meant to be happy. I go out and work and make my own money, and with every dollar I make I grow even more resentful of him; I lose that much more respect for him. The truth is that I only work simply to have somewhere else to go and be, and money to stay gone when I’m not working. But he can’t stop me. He can’t force me to feel something that I simply don’t feel. And if I ever did find someone else, neither could he stop me from leaving when my heart simply doesn’t want to stay.
There are simply no answers as to why this is. No amount of studying of psychology can provide true insight into love, into hate, or into what it is that makes us tick; into what it is that makes us human. People do and feel what they want, no matter the personal costs- no matter the risks-and when it comes to love, many have even given their very lives and every possession they own over something that can’t even be defined or understood.
I speak with other people, including plenty of men, but I don’t believe I can ever find anyone to truly love me and provide for me, placing me under that protection and coverture once again. I think love is rare and hard to find, and that it’s something to be cherished above all else if you do indeed find it.
But I feel like that softness has been stripped from me, that part of me that was once gentle. Part of that femininity is to bring love and joy to the hearts of others, to be an escape from the cruelness and harshness of the world. With something simple like home-baked goods or simply carefree childlikenss even in a technically grown woman, it can bring joy and warmth to others. I want to love a man once again, I want to give him my all. I want to be able to joyfully submit to him and for home to be my haven once again. Because when you have that; when you have someone to love and give your heart to, then you have everything, and no amount of money could ever compare to that.