I’ve had a lot of thoughts lately. A lot of these thoughts were prompted partially by a couple of male commenters on my articles Rough & Soft and my latest post You Give Yourself Away Too Easily. The focus of the comments and thoughts are about issues such as emotional abuse and assholish behavior from men. I think something that is often overlooked is that most men are acting this way because they don’t believe that women will like them otherwise. Even among the manosphere and MRA types (you know those hotshots, the ones who don’t “worship p****” and are just men doing their own thing and going their own way and being “real men” who don’t need the approval of women) the teachings of “game” are still primarily centered on altering their behavior to do whatever they think will win over the woman and allow them to have sex with her. In the end, they’re still doing it all for women. So, if this is true, then it must also be correspondingly true that modern women are basically saying to men “hey, if you just become a narcissistic, abusive, selfish, manipulative bastard who treats me like complete shit- I’ll reward you with sex!” Couple this with a “hook-up culture” and numerous problems ensue as a result. As I said a long time ago: “But by the circumstances under which we give sex to our men, we teach them how they are to treat us.”
If we look at the popularity of BDSM and the like in our society there must be a great deal of truth to this. I’ve noticed something a lot when I watch older movies. The men act differently than they do today in our culture of extended adolescence. They naturally have more of an aura of confidence and masculinity about them. There is something more naturally attractive to them. While they might still display some cocky or asshole behavior at times to an extent, they don’t actually have to be assholes to attract women. Fast forward to the modern age and everything is completely backwards. Women are displacing men in traditional male fields, out-earning men, competing with men, graduating in greater numbers from college than men and displacing men also in positions of authority both inside and outside of the home. A lot of men even answer to women and have female bosses in authority over them. Modern-day “gender equality” has completely turned male-female relationships upside down (even to the extent that many are confused about which gender they even belong to these days.) Therefore perhaps the only route available for men is to become sadistic and act like jerks. Then women respond by being, supposedly, attracted to it.
The reality of life is that women don’t really take an interest in men who they perceive to be of lesser status than them and in modern-day society it is probably a lot easier for the man to just degrade the woman’s status than it would be to upgrade his own. This is probably the most true among younger men in their teenage years and early twenties, but isn’t limited to that age group by any means. On my last post The Sinner Saint Diary commented:
“A lot of behaviors like this can be seen in young men – things that are hurtful – probably way more so than the young man realizes. Most of the same behaviors can be seen in grown men who are narcissists or who posses some kind of “emotionally abusive” personality.
Young men who want much physical interaction with girls – like I did and many do – must learn methods of persuasion – most of which are psychological. Most of the factors that endure an adult woman to adult man, aren’t in play yet – boys don’t posses them and girls aren’t compelled by them.
Learning how to score affection from girls, good or bad, is so embedded into the cultural and natural conditions of adolescence, that boys acquire a lot of manipulative behavior without realizing it – or, without recognizing it as abuse. There are probably numerous behaviors that are essentially involuntary, that young men have adopted in order to increase his chances of physical engagement. And, to be fair, there are a lot of tactics young men will use to score girls that are very deliberate, but their sex drive far outweighs the empathy they feel – which is probably little to none.
Whatever hurtful, insensitive and callous behaviors a young man engages in before the maturity of his emotions catches up to his hormones, hopefully he will grow out of them. I know I am ashamed of some of the ways I behaved when I was young, and would have behaved much differently had I possessed even a fraction of the emotional awareness and empathy that I eventually learned as I matured.”
I’ve also seen a lot of men talking about how women supposedly “punish” them for being their true selves. In other words, they would like to be good to women, but supposedly women don’t like them when they are (or, women don’t want to have casual sex with them when they are anyways). This makes a lot of sense when you consider that the majority of modern day women are independent. Women naturally want dominant men but since they do everything for themselves these days they instead turn to unhealthy habits such as Sadomasochism and go chasing after assholes, supposedly because they’re the only ones superior to them that might actually “put them in their place.” Of course, none of these relationships last and it leaves both sexes broken down internally and dissatisfied and distrustful of each other. Even still, among those attempting to be “players” and adopting whatever behavior they think might actually get them laid, you can still hear the men complaining that they can’t find “quality women” who would love them for who they are, much the same as you see how women complain about men who are jerks and won’t commit and how there aren’t any “good men” out there.
Are we not our own worst enemies? Do we not bring these problems onto ourselves by rejecting the natural order of life? We fail to cultivate healthy masculinity and healthy femininity and have any sexual regulation in our society so instead we engage in unhealthy behaviors and have constant failed relationships. In this Women’s Health article, A Former A**hole Answers for His Bad Behavior, a man talks about how he learned at a young age that just ceasing to give a damn and play “hard to get” led to his “success” with women (“success” being defined as short-term flings basically). He learned it when he realized that not caring anymore landed him his crush (she finally noticed he existed when he stopped caring). Yet he goes on to say it didn’t last and also that being a complete apathetic a**hole only led him to have success in the short-term with women who soon lost interest when he started being himself and, while he did sleep with a lot of women without commitment, he never formed any kind of lasting relationship and learned in the end that “anybody that doesn’t want you when you’re acting like your true self is not somebody you need to waste your time or affection on.” He now laments that Karma isn’t quite done with him yet and that maybe if he wasn’t such an asshole he might have been married or had kids by now.
Of course, aloofness is best in the beginning for men to attract women (while women “playing nice” is generally fine) but it won’t last long-term. In keeping with my last post, it takes time for true love to develop and rushing into things does lead to these failed relationships and leads to women getting hurt and used by men and men never getting to be their “true selves” and probably ending up alone in the end as well. Infatuation and burning desire are things that come and go, and are sometimes short-lived, you cannot base a real relationship off of such fleeting things and not only is it psychologically devastating for women for men to keep playing games but also it must be exhausting for a man if he must play games and hide his true self just to keep her interested. As I stated in my last post, when you truly love someone, you love them for themselves and that’s the only thing that “works” in the long run.