If Woman Has the Choice

Oh if it was up to me I’m sure I would have left a long time ago. I’m a very dependent type of woman; the type that was born in the wrong century for sure. I can’t always know completely what it is I want, or what it is I’m seeking. Does any woman ever truly know such things? Therefore would it not be a disaster if I was independent? Would I leave today if I was?

I’ve always been very dependent on my husband to take care of me. He’s always supported me financially and I’ve always leaned on him to take care of me. I’ve never had any kind of paid employment since we’ve been married. No, there’s nothing wrong with me. I’m physically healthy and don’t have any type of mental or physical disorders or disabilities or anything. (Well, I might be a bit crazy, but nothing’s been proven yet).

I run errands, I go to school meetings and doctor’s appointments. I go grocery shopping and take care of the home and child. I’m actually pretty busy every day but I’m always dependent upon knowing that he’s there to take care of me. I’m a bit scared of the world it’s true. I’m terrified of being left out on my own to support and take care of myself. I’ve never really done it before. The thought of men abandoning women to defend and support themselves makes me sick inside because men are supposed to be taking care of women. I try to never think about it because when I do a deep sadness comes over me that pierces my very soul. It just makes me stop caring and believing in humanity.

When I think about it I know that women actually do need to be controlled. Should men not control women they are responsible for to prevent the destruction of families and widespread having babies without marriage and with several different partners? Would things be so bad and women so unhappy if men were doing their jobs and controlling, protecting and supporting women (and children)? Would children be so bad off? Would it not prevent the wrong type of men from controlling a woman and taking advantage of her or using her? Could a man not best see another man’s intentions and protect a woman from him? Some stereotypes are grounded in truth and in some areas of life women do not reason as logically as men. How many times has my own husband told me no and it turned out to be a good thing? But no man can control a woman who has her own independence.

I know it would be a disaster if I was independent. I would have probably left a long time ago, but it is unlikely I would have found happiness somewhere else. I know sometimes he won’t let me breathe, won’t let me go, but then I see how good it is as it is my protection. I guess it can be a source of frustration when I feel helpless that I have no option to get away or leave but I calm down and get over it eventually. There really isn’t any resentment because he’ll take care of me.

I’m not truly happy, but I’m not unhappy either. I can’t always completely decide. No matter how I feel I always run to him and let him hold me and take care of me because I need him. Could I love a man who did not provide for me and hold me in his arms to control and protect me? No, I couldn’t. That I would resent.

When a woman has the choice to leave how many times will she take it? Yes, special circumstances sometimes dictate that a woman must leave, but in most circumstances that isn’t quite the case.

Is there anything else that predicts so strongly a failed marriage than the woman’s independence? It is the only thing that seems to correlate directly from what I’ve ever seen- even when looking back over decades. Some men think they can use the children to keep the woman with them or to get her back, but I’ve never once known this to work. In any case, divorce rates were half what they are now and marriage rates were higher when mother custody was at its strongest and most women stayed home. It has never had any significant positive effect on marriage or divorce rates.

If I’m safe, if I’m beautiful (not saying I am) and skinny then it’s because he takes care of me. I don’t really care what anyone thinks. I’ve always depended on a man to take care of me. I’m suspicious of any man who praises independent women because that signals he doesn’t want to take responsibility for a woman and doesn’t want to be a real man. I’d much rather my husband be with me when I go places, although I go alone often and when I have to. Sometimes I’m miserable but I figure I’d only be more miserable if I was allowed to leave and complicate my life by starting up other relationships or working, etc.. Part of the reason I’ve always rejected paid employment is to keep our relationship stable and also because I couldn’t feel love or desire for him without depending on him. Making and controlling the money gives him control over me, which is ok when it comes with the heavy weight of responsibility.

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10 thoughts on “If Woman Has the Choice

  1. I have been reading your blog for awhile. We seem to be “soul sisters”! I strongly agree with you that an independent woman tends not to stay married. I heard a story once that a group of factory women went in together on a lottery jackpot (and may have won) and most said they would leave their husbands if they won.

    You mentioned being miserable sometimes. I have found that when I’m miserable and unhappy being married or think I need to work outside the home it means I am bored and need intellectual stimulation. That was a revelation to me!

  2. I’m tired of being questioned why I don’t work. No one asked me that before I got married. I worked part time briefly when my husband was laid off but I am back home now. I’m really frustrated. I have to see my doctors and they always question me on that. I deal with physical pain and a mental illness on a daily basis, on top of side effects from meds. I like to cook, clean, budget bills and take care of our cats. I like a simple life.

    1. Yes I get the same thing everywhere I go, (as well as the busybodies who want to know how many kids we’re planning then start gaping at me when I say we aren’t having any more). I just hold my ground and shake my head no that I don’t work with a half-smile on my face. I just look amused when people ask me those kinds of questions. Like, “you seriously don’t know I stay home? Why on Earth would I not be home?” I don’t actually say that but I give them the impression that they must be out of their minds to ask such a question and also give the impression that the thought of employment has never even crossed my mind! We are the last of a dying breed- be proud.

      1. How is it any of their business anyway? You never know when someone could just have gotten laid off. It’s not like everyone wants to hire me anyway, it doesn’t work like that. My husband found the job of his dream (I had found the ad actually) but he got fired for no reason than to save costs. He was unemployed for 10 months until his unemployment ran out and I helped with my pt job. But at my pt job, which I needed to be available at all time because I would do more hours sometimes, the staff belittled me for not working elsewhere. Imagine going there every Saturday and getting insulted. Well I know most of my students loved me. I made the most money teaching piano in my life but not everyone wants to come back seeing me week after week and practice you know. Because I am in my 30’s and it’s very liberal where I live (my notary wouldn’t even accept I type in homemaker), no one accepts my choice. I went to school once wanting to go into business school but I switched to voice and was quite happy this way. I performed quite a bit and that’s how I met my husband, who composes electronic music on the side and re-mixed my voice. Now I didn’t get paid much but I was happy and my voice teachers loved me. My father is angry I didn’t become an engineer like him and my mom is upset I am a homemaker like her…

  3. All right, here’s another long post from me hehe.

    You’d think that, being the less emotional creatures, men would be more logical in general, but I’ve observed many times when men have been extremely illogical, and it’s not because I’m a woman and can’t identify logic (I can), but the outcomes have basically proven that the man’s reasoning and actions were illogical. Look at MRAs, they contradict themselves left, right and centre. I sometimes get the impression that they don’t even know what they’re trying to argue. Part of being a man is being able to detach yourself from emotions if need be and reason with cold, hard logic, but they don’t always behave like that. It’s quite strange. Is feminism to blame for this? Maybe I am confusing something.

    When it comes to logic behind men’s actions, I do agree that men are able to understand other men better than women can, just like I can intuitively understand how a fellow woman feels, even though she may appear emotionally schizophrenic to a guy. However, men should use their knowledge of male mentality to protect women against other men as it is a man’s world, and women are inherently more vulnerable. Any man who uses his power and strength to manipulate a woman, knowing that she is more fragile (such as leading her on or playing with her emotions), is pure scum in my eyes, and I always take the woman’s side in these cases.

    I am in complete agreement; whenever I hear a guy say that he likes “strong” women or women who are ambitious and have a good career, I steer clear of him. To me it says he is lazy and doesn’t want to take on the role as the man, or doesn’t know how to be a man. He’ll expect her to “pull her weight” by getting back into the work force after giving birth. Wait, no, he’ll be “generous” and let her stay at home for the first few months of the baby’s life, but sooner or later she’d better get back in the game, or ELSE. You know, help him pay off the mortgage! And it’s these sorts of men who complain about how women get custody of the kids most of the time, but then they essentially make themselves redundant when they expect a woman to do her job as a woman while sharing in HIS burden of providing for the family.

    Guys, if you expect a woman to do YOUR job for you while also solely bearing her own feminine burdens, then why are you needed? Just give us your sperm and go jump. But no, you want to be considered important to society, don’t you? You bitch about being reduced to being a sperm factory. Well, then man up and accept your responsibilities. With importance comes responsibilities and burdens. That is taught everywhere, and being a man is no exception. You expect to get promoted at work for doing nothing? No. You expect to be promoted to a worthy status in society if you expect the woman to do your job and hers? No. If you are at work, and you don’t do your job properly and you have colleagues who can easily take over your role, guess what happens? That’s right, you get made redundant. It’s the same thing. We all have to do our bit for society as men and women. It’s called specialising. Traditional women are already fulfilling their bit and, what’s more, they’re giving you a chance to be men and have your important place in society, which feminists aren’t doing, but you don’t want to accept the offer. You say that pregnancy and birth is natural, therefore it shouldn’t be hard. Well, men being providers is also natural. It’s as old as time itself. Women have literally died giving birth throughout history (and still do), so no, it’s not easy. Feminists actually say point blank that they’re trying to share in your burden of providing, and you like that part, but you don’t like the part where you are made to feel expendable. Which is it? You can’t have your cake and eat it.

    And what’s worrying in today’s society is that, even though it’s a man’s duty to provide for his family, even if his wife is completely dependent on him with small kids, it still doesn’t stop him from up and leaving. I know of 2 cases of this happening right now and I’ve read stories about it. And no, neither wife committed anything bad. In fact one of the husbands was the one cheating. OK, you don’t love your wife anymore, but what did the kids do to deserve being dumped unceremoniously like that? You hear MRAs shouting in indignation about women stealing the kids after the divorce, but what about men voluntarily relinquishing their roles as fathers? Suddenly I don’t hear a peep out of MRAs. And it happens more often than they’d want to admit. MRAs want to have a relationship with their child when it suits them, and they also want to dump the child when it suits them, without being judged. That’s why I can’t blame women when they choose to have a job as a contingency plan, just in case the husband walks. Even though it’s not a woman’s job to provide, what’s a woman to do to help herself when she lives in a world where even being dependant on her husband doesn’t guarantee that he’ll stay?

  4. Oh and I once wanted children, even going as far as buying a baby bassinet, but with my illness it’s not going to happen, plus hubby is 12 years older. I got insulted by mothers for being childless!

    1. I have mild autism and a small degree of chronic fatigue, but I don’t want to imagine a life without children. To me, children are everything. I am so glad I got to experience motherhood. However, I could completely understand if a woman with an illness chose not to have them. Pregnancy in itself is really tough especially if you have an illness. Just make sure it’s what you really want to do. You do however sound like you have had a lot of time to consider it and you have made a decision that is wise for you.

  5. I think there are some circumstances in which a woman should be able to leave, however I think these are extreme. I left the first man I settled down with because he became physically abusive and refused to support me and my daughter financially and our living situation was shaky. It got to a point where his disability was soon to end within the next year or two and he was trying to bully me into finding a job. He really had no legit reason to be on disability instead of working in the first place, he was just unmotivated and had no ambition. He also suffered from a severe video game addiction and would not seek help or even acknowledge that he had a problem. I did so much to try and positively encourage him. I was with him since he was 17 and I was 20 and I walked out on him at 26 after trying everything to make him recognize his responsibilities and even after applying the book Fascinating Womanhood to my family life. I had no family to help. I got help from the local council and from charities. It was a very tough time. If I could turn back the clock I would have chosen a more responsible man. Now sadly I barely get to see my daughter, who my ex took custody off. I found a new man, he is much better than the last one and he takes good care of me and he gave me another child. I find that he is very controlling of me anyway, but in a good way and I would not have the option to leave. He has moved me to a different city and he doesn’t allow me to do anything or go anywhere without asking his permission first. He makes sure we have everything we could possibly need and he works very hard and he makes a good effort to plan ahead for things. He is chinese and I think I would struggle to find a man who has these values that is white british. He is not a perfect man but he’s much better than so many men today. With my ex he had no control over anything because he was too broken to handle the responsibility, so leaving for me was simple. If my ex had been responsible I would never have had to leave him. Our society today is a mess. Nothing feels guaranteed any more. Most men are complete losers. I don’t even know if this man I am with now will always be here. I worry all the time that he won’t. All I know is that he seems more reliable than my ex. For personal financial reasons we will not have an official wedding ceremony unless we move back to his home country.

  6. Amen sis! Depending on my husband and staying home keeping house has improved our marriage. My husband is in the masculine provider role while I am in charge of making our home a safe haven for him. I am no longer tired and stressed. Moving out of the huge city we were living in has helped me meet like minded women.

    Men who cannot or will not provide often think that they can control women. They want the joys of a traditional relationship with none of the responsibilities.

    Here is my blog post about my issues with feminism. I hope you enjoy it:
    https://boughtthehouse.wordpress.com/2015/10/09/flawed-feminism/

  7. Are you familiar with the Simone de Beavoir quote:
    “No, we don’t believe that any woman should have this choice. No woman should be authorised to stay at home to bring up her children. Society should be totally different. Women should not have that choice, precisely because if there is such a choice, too many women will make that one. It is a way of forcing women in a certain direction.”

    She’s a big feminist hero. Thinks like them obviously.

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