If Woman Has the Choice

Oh if it was up to me I’m sure I would have left a long time ago. I’m a very dependent type of woman; the type that was born in the wrong century for sure. I can’t always know completely what it is I want, or what it is I’m seeking. Does any woman ever truly know such things? Therefore would it not be a disaster if I was independent? Would I leave today if I was?

I’ve always been very dependent on my husband to take care of me. He’s always supported me financially and I’ve always leaned on him to take care of me. I’ve never had any kind of paid employment since we’ve been married. No, there’s nothing wrong with me. I’m physically healthy and don’t have any type of mental or physical disorders or disabilities or anything. (Well, I might be a bit crazy, but nothing’s been proven yet).

I run errands, I go to school meetings and doctor’s appointments. I go grocery shopping and take care of the home and child. I’m actually pretty busy every day but I’m always dependent upon knowing that he’s there to take care of me. I’m a bit scared of the world it’s true. I’m terrified of being left out on my own to support and take care of myself. I’ve never really done it before. The thought of men abandoning women to defend and support themselves makes me sick inside because men are supposed to be taking care of women. I try to never think about it because when I do a deep sadness comes over me that pierces my very soul. It just makes me stop caring and believing in humanity.

When I think about it I know that women actually do need to be controlled. Should men not control women they are responsible for to prevent the destruction of families and widespread having babies without marriage and with several different partners? Would things be so bad and women so unhappy if men were doing their jobs and controlling, protecting and supporting women (and children)? Would children be so bad off? Would it not prevent the wrong type of men from controlling a woman and taking advantage of her or using her? Could a man not best see another man’s intentions and protect a woman from him? Some stereotypes are grounded in truth and in some areas of life women do not reason as logically as men. How many times has my own husband told me no and it turned out to be a good thing? But no man can control a woman who has her own independence.

I know it would be a disaster if I was independent. I would have probably left a long time ago, but it is unlikely I would have found happiness somewhere else. I know sometimes he won’t let me breathe, won’t let me go, but then I see how good it is as it is my protection. I guess it can be a source of frustration when I feel helpless that I have no option to get away or leave but I calm down and get over it eventually. There really isn’t any resentment because he’ll take care of me.

I’m not truly happy, but I’m not unhappy either. I can’t always completely decide. No matter how I feel I always run to him and let him hold me and take care of me because I need him. Could I love a man who did not provide for me and hold me in his arms to control and protect me? No, I couldn’t. That I would resent.

When a woman has the choice to leave how many times will she take it? Yes, special circumstances sometimes dictate that a woman must leave, but in most circumstances that isn’t quite the case.

Is there anything else that predicts so strongly a failed marriage than the woman’s independence? It is the only thing that seems to correlate directly from what I’ve ever seen- even when looking back over decades. Some men think they can use the children to keep the woman with them or to get her back, but I’ve never once known this to work. In any case, divorce rates were half what they are now and marriage rates were higher when mother custody was at its strongest and most women stayed home. It has never had any significant positive effect on marriage or divorce rates.

If I’m safe, if I’m beautiful (not saying I am) and skinny then it’s because he takes care of me. I don’t really care what anyone thinks. I’ve always depended on a man to take care of me. I’m suspicious of any man who praises independent women because that signals he doesn’t want to take responsibility for a woman and doesn’t want to be a real man. I’d much rather my husband be with me when I go places, although I go alone often and when I have to. Sometimes I’m miserable but I figure I’d only be more miserable if I was allowed to leave and complicate my life by starting up other relationships or working, etc.. Part of the reason I’ve always rejected paid employment is to keep our relationship stable and also because I couldn’t feel love or desire for him without depending on him. Making and controlling the money gives him control over me, which is ok when it comes with the heavy weight of responsibility.