If I could sum up what it is I think of you I would say that in all ways you are a man. Throughout all these years you’ve made it on your own. You’ve worked hard all these years for everything that you have, for everything that you own. You have built your home with your own hands. You’ve done the work of a real man. Both directly and indirectly you have given so much to me. I know it and I think about it often. I know you’ve always been the provider for your family, your children, and your wife when she was there. You have provided without ever accepting the help or support of a woman and always had too much pride to accept welfare.
I know you always kept your children in your custody and care until they were grown. I think it was a good thing. Only a real man, one who accepts his responsibilities to be the provider and has drive to make it himself, can bring order and stability in the home. Even as a mother who loves her child and family, I know I would be no good living on my own as head of household. It is not good for any woman to ever be in that position. I would never try it. Therefore I did not lie when I told you years ago that he could make the decisions about our child, but he must provide financially. That is the age-old bargain.
I know that you have a temper at times. I’ve seen it. I don’t see you as being the kind to care too much for a woman, or anyone else for that matter, telling you what to do. Physically you have stayed in good form over the years, unlike most of the men I see around me. I’ve never seen you drink to excess or really ever take a drink at all. You might for all I know, but I have never seen it. You have never done it around me.
You always appear to me to be sober and wise. You’ve never been crude in my presence and I’ve never heard you utter obscenities but maybe once in all these years. Nevertheless, I don’t think of you as a saint or monk by any means. At times I have seen in your face an expression and in your eyes a light that leaves no doubt that your thoughts are every bit those of a man’s. I have oftentimes found your intense perusal and scrutiny of both myself and the situation to be more than a bit unnerving. At times I feel you can read my thoughts. It’s a bit disturbing. I don’t see anyone ever being able to play you for a fool. I know you have many thoughts, but you don’t speak them. Unlike most, you are discreet in both your thoughts and opinions. I have never known of you to be loud-mouthed or transparent. You may be thinking it, but you won’t say it.
Although I may never truly know, I feel as though you have always respected me for my traditional ways. I do feel that somehow you respect me for being in the home. I know you won’t ever say anything but somehow I get the sense that you do hold many traditional views on women. It’s just something I have seen in your eyes before that makes me think such a thing. I don’t know if you really have ever truly cared for me or not. I know there are many things I don’t know, that I’ll never know and that’s fine with me. I don’t want to know everything. I’m sure there are things I don’t know that would change some of the ways I think of you. But from what I see you are every bit of a man to be looked up to. It’s that soft look in your eyes when you talk to me and those knowing smiles that you give me. With one look you can make me want to run and hide.
If by some chance of fate you ever read this I don’t want you to ever think that what I feel is of a romantic nature- it’s not. Also don’t ever think that somehow I’m worshipping you- I am most certainly not. It’s only that I’ve never known another man like you. I look up to you and I admire you for being a man. I’ve never had any other man in my life that I could look up to the way that I’ve come to look up to you over the years.
It is my husband that I love. It is only him that I long for romantically and sexually. Even in my dreams I can’t escape him. In my dreams it is always him that I see, always him that I reach out for. He has invested much in me over the years. If I need something I know he’ll get it for me. I would never leave him even if I could. I would be scared and helpless if I couldn’t depend upon him.
I have never asked you for anything and I would never ask you to “take sides” or anything of the sort. He’s my husband. He’s supposed to be responsible for me, not you. It would not be right either for you to intervene and I would never ask you to.
I’m not really sure that I want to be around you. I have been hurt too badly. I think I’d rather keep my distance. But it still doesn’t change the fact that I have always looked up to you and admired you. Despite all, I’ve always seen you as a man so much different than any others I’ve ever known, and certainly far above my own father, who never seems to be on the same planet when you’re talking to him and has never cared for anyone but himself. You’ve spent so much time helping us to have a home to live in, working side by side with my husband. I don’t know why you would do such a thing if you didn’t care, but I am not going to search in the dark for something that may not even exist. But I will always be glad that I have been around and had in my life a man like you.