The Father I Never Had

I guess too much time has passed now. There’s nothing I can say or do anymore. One by one they all turn and leave me. Or is it me who leaves them? Am I at fault for it? I never meant any harm. Forgive me if I was rude a time or two. It was never my intention. But by now it’s too late. There can never be any turning back. I don’t want your sympathy. You’ll never have to feel sorry for me. Ill never give you a reason to. I know where I stand. You’ll never see me around here anymore. I’ll not bother you again. I’m not your family, though I truly wanted to be. I’m sure in your mind I only wear the family name temporarily, until I switch partners and assume another name, if I even care to. But I’m not of your blood and in the end you’ll always be my enemy no matter the circumstances. On this I hold no illusions.

But I guess I did it again. Thinking that a man is more than what he really is to me, thinking that he cares more than he really does. Isn’t that just like me? I always want to see the good in everyone, always want to believe in something better, always want to give second and third chances. I thought this of my own father and brother as well. But I’ve always been a fool. I was born a fool and I’ll surely die a fool.

But that is the way of life, full of joy, sadness, heartbreak and betrayal. I never wanted to start a war or cause problems. I’m a bit emotional sometimes and can’t always see clearly. I tend to fantasize too much. I’ve always been a hopeless dreamer. But in time one learns to keep living and forget. The weight in my chest will lift one day and I’ll breathe normally once again.

I may not say much but I think deeply. I may seem overly demure but at times I have a temper. Sometimes I speak without thinking and act too swiftly. But if you see me I’ll walk right on by. I’ll wave at you to satisfy formalities and continue on my way. I may cry at times but I promise you you’ll never see it. I may feel deeply inside but you’ll never know it.

Though the scars might still remain in my heart, time will lessen the pain. I can only hope he’ll take me away from this place filled with such bitter memories. Take me away and I’ll one day forget all that’s ever happened here. I can’t ever find the words to say it and probably never will so you’ll never know what everything and all these years have meant to me. If only I could rip my heart right out of my chest so I’d never be tempted to feel again.

I don’t know why I should feel as I do, but I do. It’s an absurdity that knows neither reason nor logic and I just can’t comprehend it. Perhaps it is the longing for the family and love I never before had. The longing for a place where I can belong. Or maybe I’m just a lunatic, who’s to say? But I’m not your daughter and I never will be. I’m an outsider who will never belong. Standing on the outside looking in seems to forever be my station in life.

So if I can’t love, maybe I’ll just hate. Maybe it’s easier that way. I’ve probably always seen you as something you are not anyways. It’s typical of me to delude myself that way, to see someone as a hero even when they are working for my destruction and deceiving me. Hopefully one day there will be many miles between us and I’ll never have to pass by your way again. But in my mind you’ll probably still always be the father I never had.

The Beginning of the End of an Era

Although I said before I hoped the Supreme Court would strike down gay marriage bans, I only said this because I believed it was inevitable- something that had to run its course before everything collapsed and change could happen. Make no mistake, this is a very dangerous thing. The laws in most jurisdictions still throw some protection and safeguards to married couples and their children and protect the marriage from outside interferences. But with this decision today every last protection left is in jeopardy. Two people of the same sex cannot procreate and marriage including two people of the same sex necessarily goes along with the feminist notion of “either partner can be the breadwinner/homemaker there are no sex roles or illegitimate children” so therefore it becomes necessary to allow more liberal laws regarding the family unit and more outside interference and “anything goes and everything is acceptable” policies- which will destroy the last remaining shreds of stability within families and marriage.

Marriage IS about raising children, but more than that it was about giving women security to raise those children and establishing paternity and the legitimacy of children to give the provider responsibility to men in a stable environment where men would have a meaningful role in society. These are important things for the stability of society. The family unit started being destroyed when sex roles and distinctions between legitimate/illegitimate children and distinctions between wife/mistress were legally abolished. Personally though I think it started getting bad even before this, with female suffrage being the turning point where everything started disintegrating. (I mean, it took only about 50 years for the family to be completely destroyed after women were granted the vote!) Marriage is about sex, procreation and sex roles. Without this it loses its meaning.

But I see a change coming and hopefully it will be quick in coming. Families have been in bad shape for a long time but now we are at the end, the family is now at an end. Things are going to get worse before they can get better. Gay marriage was something that had to happen. By viewing these relationships as legitimate marriage has just become obsolete. But it simply can’t last much longer. Once the money runs out to fund family breakdown then egalitarianism will officially end. The money’s already running out.

Things are going to get rough. Keep your families together if you can- if it is not already too late. Follow God. Keep your children close and teach them well against modern immorality. Men, you must lead and be the providers for your families and women you must allow the men to do so. Stick close to your husbands and the men in your life (if there are any) that can protect you. Make every effort to remain in the home and guard it and stay out of the workforce. Just do it. We need all the force we can gather to weather the storm ahead.

Private Property: KEEP OUT

We live in a “show all, tell all, never blush, never hold anything in” society these days where privacy is increasingly becoming a thing of the past. The individual privacy of people is not respected and everybody seems to think it’s ok to ask others personal questions about their bodies, medical conditions, financial state and even their sex lives.

I’m getting quite sick of reading about so and so’s “post-baby body” and on and on. Apparently it’s something akin to female empowerment these days for women to discuss their post-pregnancy bodies and share pictures and I’ve even come across magazine articles with women doing that sort of thing. I remember when I was expecting how people would constantly harass me and ask me personal questions about my body and how I was feeling. Also afterwards people would come up to me and say things about me “fitting back into my jeans” and on and on. I would also look at people like “are you serious!?” when they would start telling me how they would “be there” during labor. I found it all so offensive. These things are private things and how dare anyone think they have the right to ask me (or any other woman for that matter) intimate questions about my personal body or think they have the right to intrude upon my privacy during birth as if my body is public property. My opinion always has been and still is today that if you weren’t invited when the child was conceived you aren’t invited when it’s born! And if you think a woman doesn’t care then you’re wrong. I cared very much about my privacy even during birth and labor would have been very difficult if not impossible without privacy where I could just relax. In times past only a midwife or doctor was with a woman giving birth while everyone else respectfully waited elsewhere but now we like to play “let’s-see-how-many-people-we-can-fit-into-the-delivery-room” these days. And everybody thinks they have a “right” to be there.

That being said my husband wasn’t there either and I always have this smile come to my face whenever I think about it. I like the fact that there’s a mystery surrounding it for him. There’s something special about it that I’ve carried a child, his child, inside of me and brought it into this world, yet it was all very private and it’s the little things he doesn’t know that give it this specialness and preciousness. It’s something I can whisper about in the dark, in those private moments, and the secrecy of it all gives it allure. I feel it actually empowers my femininity that it has always been private and shrouded in mystery. He knows I did it, but he’ll forever wonder just how I did it won’t he? A woman’s gotta have some secrets…

I always notice how when I watch older movies the word “pregnant” is never used even when talking about animals. Instead words such as “expecting” or “in the family way” are used. People today might think it silly but it was really just a way of respecting women. Also, if a woman was giving birth details were never talked about and the actual event was never shown. But today we live in a society where the cruder something is the funnier it is. Gone are the days when movies and shows could make you laugh to the point of tears without resorting to crude talk about body parts or bodily functions. There is no respect anymore. The squeaking bed of a cheap hotel room is funny. Childbirth is funny. A man being kicked between the legs is funny.

A woman’s body is special and precious and it is wholly inappropriate to ask for details about her pregnancy or birth or even about her menstrual cycle. It’s one thing to talk one on one with a close friend or relative but even here individual privacy can be violated so it is best to tread with care. In private I might help another woman, especially a younger woman or girl, with female issues and answer personal questions but this should always be in private and never in a group especially when men are present. Also I would never put a younger woman down or try to purposely scare her or something just out of spite the way I’ve seen so many older women do to younger women. That is just ridiculous.

Another thing is invading someone’s privacy when they have a medical condition or when an accident or misfortune has befallen them. We live in a time of instant global communication and every time there is an accident everybody wants to take pictures, share details, post on the web, etc… “Look someone’s house was destroyed by a tornado!” “Let’s get up close and film it and share the pictures with everyone!” How about having a little respect and minding your own business? If you aren’t part of a survey crew assessing damage then you have no business there unless you have truly come to offer your help. And if you’ve come to help you should still show the utmost respect for what is still another person’s property.

When someone has a medical condition their privacy should be respected. It is not the business of anyone else to ask them details they may not want to share. We may sympathize with them in private, keep them in our prayers and help if we can but it is really inappropriate to ask a bunch of details. A couple of years ago I had the grand misfortune of having to listen to my mother-in-law give all the details about a medical emergency that had recently befallen her at my little one’s birthday party! I was very uncomfortable with such a conversation but apparently I was the only one as everyone else chimed in to ask questions about her emergency room visit, surgery, treatments, medications, special problems with bodily functions, etc… Even among relatives there should be respect for other’s privacy.

I’ve even had women try to tell me about how to avoid certain female issues in the middle of public places before. One of my dad’s ex-girlfriends caught up with my husband in Wal-Mart and started telling him in the middle of the aisle about how I could avoid some down-there issues by just eating this food, etc… I mean, how the **** is that appropriate? And another one started giving me “advice,” at the kitchen table with others around, about childbirth. And they just love to disucss all the details of so-and-so having her baby. How about some respect, dignity and discretion please??

Also I am not going to sit there and talk about anything my husband might have done when he was younger or hear about his mistakes or laugh about it with anyone else. A woman should never talk about screw-ups her husband might have made or anything of the sort that would be putting him down or degrading him. I know it’s tempting to just “go with the crowd” and start talking about all of your significant other’s faults when you’re with the girls but a woman should always make a conscious effort to never say anything negative about her husband or share details about their life together that really should be kept private. My mother-in-law started talking about things my husband had done in the past (like speeding tickets, etc..) a couple of years ago and I just walked away. If she was looking for me to laugh along with her or find it humorous she was wrong.

A husband as well should have the same respect for his wife and he should most certainly never degrade her privacy when talking to others. I’ve heard some men even talk about their wives giving birth with others and I thought this was entirely rude and disrespectful. As well, all these songs I’ve heard about men talking about their wives giving birth are entirely disrespectful in my opinion. There are many good things that should be kept private too, not just bad things. (And it sure seems like men might actually have more respect for women if they were kept in the dark about female issues).

It is not the business of anyone else to ask about someone else’s finances. In times past men had their pride and they would often get very angry if their wives told about their financial problems to others or how they had lost their job or were behind. Asking for help or charity was also out of the question. Men had pride in being men and felt emasculated asking for help or having their wives go out to work to “help out.” That all seems to be lost today in our welfare culture where people like to brag about the assistance and welfare they receive. If someone asks me about how much money my husband makes or something they only ever receive vague answers. I would never tell anyone exactly how much money my husband makes or go around bragging if we were to receive assistance or something. In my opinion that is nothing to brag about. If anything it should be something to be embarrassed and ashamed about.

Privacy in times past was something very sacred and even old magazines often had articles about how to help keep the privacy of others. Now magazines invite you to tell all and show all and be the biggest loud-mouth you can be. Is it any wonder our culture is going in the gutter?


Strength and Dignity


Too Much Interference in the Family

There are way too many people making decisions regarding the family these days. This is always the inevitable result of family breakdown. All too many children are born illegitimate then everybody and their brother wants to jump in and get involved with the child and everybody seems to think they have some kind of rights. This is all too obvious these days in that increasingly the grandparents want to get involved on their son’s/daughter’s behalf (usually their son’s as maternity and the role of the mother is really never in question or in dispute but just a given fact) and it becomes a complete circus. In the past they might have gotten involved to force the issue of marriage but now they get involved just to help the parents fight and get their way. In addition so many children these days are being raised by grandparents and in all kinds of crazy situations. There is no clear authority in families anymore. Indeed there really isn’t any family anymore- just a bunch of broken pieces loosely strung together.

In reality a return to basics is in order. Strong families and the husband as head of household is a system that needs to be returned to. A wife should put her husband above all others and depend upon him. His authority is greater than all others’, including the wife’s own father’s (as he has given her away he no longer has the authority over her), but increasingly it seems that married couples have trouble bonding and forsaking all others and still allow their relatives to have authority and still turn to them for advice or their needs. As well, the advice and opinions of friends are often given too much priority. The husband should put his wife first. She comes before anyone else and he should never allow anyone to hurt his wife or attack her. She must come first no matter what anyone else thinks or says. He is responsible to protect and guard her from harm, even if it means protecting her from his own relatives.

There is way too much interference within families these days both from outsiders and the federal government. The husband should be responsible for his family and it is his right to run his house the way he sees fit. Excluding certain circumstances, it is not the business of anyone else to come into his home and tell him or his wife how they should be living their lives or how they should be raising their children. Since there is a lack of authority in families everybody seems to think they have a right to decide on what is in the best interest of the family or the children. That’s what happens when men stop being in charge and wives and mothers go off to work. If there is any internal or external problem within the marriage it should be the husband’s responsibility to deal with it, unless he cannot deal with it.

The bureaucratic agencies set up in every county supposedly for the welfare of children are in reality nothing more than institutions designed for the breakdown of the family unit and are constantly used as weapons by outsiders to try to interfere and insert what they perceive to be their “rights.” Can’t get your way? Have a vengeance against someone? Just call [insert name of bureaucratic agency designed for the destruction of the family unit here].

Although legal marriage doesn’t mean much these days, there are some benefits and protections that legal marriage offers that cohabitation doesn’t- at least in most jurisdictions. That is why the institution of marriage has been constantly under attack for over a century and is still being attacked today. Illegitimacy and family breakdown always open the door for everyone else to step in and think they are going to have their say or get their way. As Jesse Powell once told me “corrupt partially enforced responsibility is better than no responsibility.” Marriage offers some safeguards and at least represents a higher commitment. In some cases it serves as a buffer against outside interference, in particular where children are concerned. If society turned back to seeing marriage as essential for raising children and having respectable sex then the laws would surely change as well to strengthen marriage and the family unit.