First and foremost, my first caring is about my own life and that of my family. But I do care about this society that we live in. I don’t read the news hardly ever nor do I even care who’s running for president. It’s all the same to me. I try to stay off the internet except to do my shopping or check up on the blogs I link to or like to read. I know that I am different and that I have always been. I have never fit in with the crowd and I probably never will. But that doesn’t matter to me. I am who I am and if others don’t accept me then that’s their problem. Even the most seemingly insignificant things in life serve a purpose and without them there could be no balance and harmony in the universe.
When I first started writing I never dreamed I would ever build up a little community on the Web or that I would attract any attention at all. How many hits I have gotten on this site has been simply astounding to me. I know that there are a few of my friends and relatives that know about my site, although I cannot know how often or if they ever read what I write. If they like me that’s great, but if not then I do not care.
Although I will not start uncomfortable or controversial political topics with others, I will stand up for what I believe no matter who likes it or who doesn’t. If you want to ask me what I believe then I’ll tell you. Throughout history humans have been persecuted for what they believe. Many have even given their life for their faith and their beliefs. We live in a society that tells us to be who we are and we are told that we must accept everyone’s beliefs and everyone’s way of life- but what they really mean is that we must live and believe as they do. Nobody can be accepting of everyone’s beliefs as they will still always outcast and persecute those who do not accept everyone’s beliefs. You can be who you are, as long as it is what they say you should be.
Over time I have been contacted by several women and even a couple of men. It means a lot to me to read and hear from others who believe as I do. In the society we live in today it’s controversial (and that’s putting it tamely) to even say that a man should support his wife. In reality it should just be assumed that a man will support his wife but I have been treated with scorn and contempt from both sexes just for daring to say such a thing.
I remember how when I got married the preacher said that God calls wives to submit to their husbands. I didn’t think anything about it at all. I might have downcast my eyes shyly but there never registered even a hint of outrage nor offense inside of me. It seemed natural to me. I saw nothing wrong with it. This was before I ever even heard about feminism or women’s lib or domestic violence or anything. I remember being asked once when I was about sixteen if I was a feminist. I had no idea what a feminist even was. I said “sure, I guess” because I thought it was something about being feminine. Then I was informed it was about women’s rights and I said no, that I was not a feminist. In reality I had no caring of the sort about “rights.” I knew I might work for a little while but I always hoped to get married and have my husband support me and take care of me.
It was later that mistrust began to develop. Something was wrong with the world today but I did not know what. Women’s rights and feminism seemed like the way to go but it just didn’t feel right. Being “equal” didn’t feel right. It felt cold. It felt wrong. It felt unjust. It felt that way because it was- and is- cold, wrong and unjust. I started this site to be a voice for women, for families. Without men providing for and protecting women there can be no prosperity, no stable family ties, no civilization.
For the first probably three years of marriage I was always on guard fearing abandonment. It took about three years before I began to really believe that he was going to support me and that I could depend on him truly to do so. It took so long before I could even tell my husband I trusted him. He seemed to change after that. I know he wanted to protect me and support me from the beginning but it seemed to take on a different meaning after that. It has taken me years longer to really believe all the things he has told me to be the truth. Our past has not been easy and we have come through a lot. But I know now he will forsake all others for me, as I will for him.
Without my dependence on him I don’t think we would have made it. If he hadn’t been my provider I could not have felt so deeply for him as I always have. I might not have stayed if I had somewhere else to go. Yes, I have loved him since I was a teenager but that could never be enough. I had to know that I could trust him. The first step was his provision of me but I also had to believe the things he said to me. I needed to understand the truth and without knowing it I would do any crazy thing to leave, to get away, to ease the hurt inside. But now I think I understand that he is not lying to me, that I can trust what he says- especially about our past. There has been a mistrust that has characterized our relationship since the beginning and it has always been an antagonism between us, but all I’ve ever wanted to know is that I can trust him. I don’t give a damn about what anyone else thinks or believes and I never have.
I have been put down for being in the home. I feel like my family always tries subtle ways to get me to have a career- usually by instilling distrust of my husband in me and then *subtly* reminding me that I have not finished college. People always love to make “suggestions” about how I should seek employment to relive my apparent boredom or whatever else. A career is the cure-all for the modern woman. Heaven forbid a woman might find fulfillment outside of the workforce. I have literally been called names and been called lazy for not having a “job.” Funny, if I was a career woman they would never call me such things, even if I was divorced three times and had kids with several different fathers or engaged in frequent drunken one night stands. As long as I was a co-provider and didn’t ever depend on a man or the welfare system to support me or my kids I would be acceptable- no matter how crazy or hectic my life. But I do not care. Call me what you will. Throw stones if you will. I will not waver. I would die for a principle. I would die for what I believe.
Yes, I have changed my husband. That’s what women do. Men will change if their women demand it of them. He has changed for me. But I would never do him wrong. I can never disrespect him because he has worked hard all these years to take care of me. I have never really been able to say anything bad about who he is today even when I am angry. Even though it is a rare occasion indeed that he ever does any housework or childcare I’ve never called him lazy. I could never do that because he takes care of me.
My house is not always spotless. We actually live in the house so it is impossible for it to be spotless all the time. Yet I work hard everyday. I’m not some Stepford wife nor do I believe the 1950s were the golden age of the family. I don’t even think that’s ideal. I don’t want to change the world. Sure it would be nice but that’s a pretty big goal and I just don’t think I have the dedication that would take. I know everyday this site gets many hits from search engines. I don’t know everything people search for. I don’t know who’s reading this. I may never know who my writings impact. I alone cannot save this culture. Maybe there is no saving it, but it is my hope that I can at least save a few individuals.
There is a real sadness in my heart when I look at the world around me. This website gives me an outlet to express my frustration, my hopes and my beliefs and put them out there for the world to see. I hope that this site will bless those who read it and be a help to those looking for answers. Of course, I cannot have all the answers for anyone nor have I ever claimed to but I hope maybe this site can be a help to guide someone in the right direction or guide them to whatever it is they are seeking.
Those who have supported me throughout these years of writing are of many cultures, many religions and speak many different tongues. I thank you for making this site what it is today.
And to my husband, my love, the father of my child, thank you for sticking by me and for your continued support. May we be different from the world and may we have many long years together.
May you always keep strong in your beliefs,
The Radical One