Unrequited 

I came to him just as he had told me to, for I wished to come in from the cold; to come in from the hurt and pain of all these years

Perhaps loving makes me crazy, but surely it is only all the worse to not love at all

Say you don’t want me and I’ll walk away and never look back
Because life is pain but I can take it
And if he says it then he’ll forever live with it

Man is the gatekeeper to commitment and woman the gatekeeper to sex
We’ll either come to an agreement or there’ll be no exchange

He had given to me most of the things I have
It cannot be helped and is as forbidden as it is illogical

I died inside when I heard his words
But I said, did nothing
I gave him no response, no retort and no explanation
I just came home and sat staring out the window as the tears silently fell

I dream of that illogical passion
Lay with me wherever we may fall
Roll with me in the leaves, in the field or upon your bed

I am sick with love, yes I am high
Cupid’s arrow left but an insignificant flesh wound, but injected into the blood an agonizing and slow-killing poison

I did not mean for this to happen, but nature is as cruel as she is relentless
The poets, scholars and psychologists of old had all described it as a madness, a sickness, and a disease

I sat there in thought and it hit me that perhaps I had been wrong
Perhaps things are not as I perceived, or perhaps they are
How am I to truly know?
I ran after him but he would neither listen to nor hear me

In this life there is dominance that exists to conquer, keep, rule over and protect and there is dominance that exists to terrorize, pillage, destroy and abandon

Did he mean his words or was it all to maintain frame?
Perhaps only time can reveal whether it is manipulation or whether it is truth
He wants my body of that much I am sure
But beyond that I do not know

He broke me, he broke me apart
I ache in the most intimate of places
But if my love is not returned I will be destroyed
Either way I live with the pain

For what good does it all serve if it is baseless and meaningless?
What good is passion if it does not exist to take away the hurt and pain of living?

But I know about the manipulation and I know about the game
The tricks have never had any effect on me
I will never succumb to being only a faceless number without a name

Am I but a receptacle for his lust and unworthy of even the most basic human relationship?

Is he supposed to be worthy of my body even though I am not worthy of even a small part of his life or time?

He couldn’t create something out of nothing
But only cultivate what was already there

Yes I test him to discover his true character and the depth of his caring
But it is not the game I wish to win, only the man

Oh but pray that he never loses his status and confidence!
I become a bubbling, giggling schoolgirl in his presence

I positively squeal with delight over his charismatic ways and non-attentive attention

I drift from day to day completely unfocused

I get no sleep any time he comes around

It is the waiting and the longing
The expectation and delight
The pain inside so intense it becomes its own unique pleasure

Separated by time and circumstance, love returned is a glorious thing
But it is that love unrequited that silently kills the soul

Lessons in Love

For wrong or right, for better or worse, the heart wants what it wants. It cannot be helped, it cannot be stopped, and reason rarely plays a role in what it so desires. But no matter how much it hurts, loving another does not mean that they will ever love you back in return.

The only way into my body is through my heart. The desire is not inborn so much as it is sparked to life by what I perceive in a man. It starts within the man as something I sense and then respond to. This can be why lack of female sexual desire is an extremely common occurrence, but such a thing is rarely seen in a society’s men to the same extent.

Throughout all societies, in all of human history, men have always been able to obtain commitment-free sex if they so desired. This isn’t anything new in the slightest. There isn’t anything exceptional going on today that has not existed throughout all of human history.

But by the circumstances under which we give sex to our men, we teach them how they are to treat us.

Women are manipulators of men. A man might get led around by a woman and played for a fool, it’s true. But whatever his losses, it can be regained in the future. But it can never compare to the damage a man can inflict upon a woman through his manipulation. Men who manipulate women for sex leave damaged broken women, illegitimate offspring and a trail of destruction that impacts all of society, as human sexuality comprises the foundation of human society.

The hurt and pain and damage cannot be undone-ever. There is no way for a woman to recover the loss. It is permanent, it is lasting, and it is severe.

A man may have an interest in one woman but readily take sex from another who is willing if the woman he is interested in will not give it to him. But women do not operate the same way.

There are a million things that run through my head. It’s not so much my body I’m concerned about, but my heart. Sure, he might be packing some disease. That’s a realistic concern. Sure, there’s pregnancy. But I’m a big girl, in full charge of my reproduction, and the chance of pregnancy is very small.

No. What I ask myself inside is this: If I give him my body, would he then rip out my heart?

A man that cares will go out of his way to find out what is wrong if he knows you are hurting. A man who cares would not ignore a woman for weeks or months and leave her to cry her heart out. A man that cares will go out of his way for you and he wouldn’t need any excuses to do so. A man that wants you and cares will pursue you. If he can’t initiate, if he can’t be the pursuer, then he either isn’t all that interested or simply doesn’t care enough. To the extent that he doesn’t reach out, is the extent that he simply doesn’t care.  Plain and simple. No exceptions.

It doesn’t matter how much it hurts. A woman must always be alert to a man’s true intentions and filter out the men that care vs the men that only want sex from her.

A woman must understand that men do not necessarily equate sex with love. A man will sometimes even have sex with a woman he can’t even stand, if she’ll give it to him. What can a woman do?

He might say he cares, but talk is cheap. What do his actions say? Does he ignore you if you text him? When you call? Does he only call in the middle of the night, randomly, when he’s drunk with his buddies? Does he only speak to you if it’s convenient? Does he dissappear and reappear?

Understand that having sex with a man will never make him care about you or love you if he doesn’t already. Yes, sometimes it can turn into a relationship, even a lasting one, but are you willing to take that chance?

By the circumstances under which she gives him sex, and the behavior she will put up with, a woman tells a man what behavior is and is not acceptable to her; she shows him what her value is.

Even if he has captured her heart, a woman should never put up with game playing. Yes, he may be a man you love dearly. But just because you love him does not mean he feels the same. If he has left you alone to hurt for weeks or months he’ll probably show up again at some point and even try to charm you or invite you over and proposition sex.

But no matter how much your heart, even your body, might desire him, by instantly jumping through hoops and re-arranging her schedule to accommodate his whims and  going to him on his terms a woman only tells a man that it’s OK for him to treat her as a mere convenience or afterthought and that she’s on the hook and he can simply reel her in anytime he wants and he can just reappear and dissappear as he pleases because she’ll always be there.

This isn’t about women attempting to claim dominance over men, but rather about a woman making it clear to a man that she demands a higher level of respect and devotion if he is to ever have her body. If he can’t give that respect and devotion then he does not care and giving him your body will never make him care. It will only damage a woman and leave her broken.

It’s a hard lesson but that’s the way life is. In her greater weakness and vulnerability a woman must be careful to guard her heart and body. A man should only get so many chances- no exceptions. If enough time has passed and he still can’t be real and show how much he cares then he probably never will. He doesn’t get another chance. He had his chance, he chose to play around, and now he can’t have you back in his life. Ever.

Remember, it doesn’t matter how you feel about him. A woman can’t let a man play with her heart and emotions or let him waste her time. Plain and simple. It hurts and that pain can be severe. It can feel as though you are truly dying inside. But if he hasn’t seen fit to make you a part of his life by now, he probably never will (or at least never will until he knows you are serious and he can’t have you back). You must cut him out of your life and move on.

At first a woman might let a man run his game to show her what he’s got and raise her interest and desire. But once he’s got you he needs to either get real or get lost. He can’t have his cake and eat it too. If he wants you then he must make an effort or he can’t have you. Because your body should only be for a man who will return the same love and devotion that you have shown to him. A woman’s body should only ever be for a man who is committed to her, truly there for her. It is for the man who loves her, cares for her and takes care of her/supports her. A woman should never settle for less. 

That doesn’t mean he must become all emotional and get in touch with his feminine side. Not at all. It only means that you  are worth more than being treated cheaply by a man- any man. 

Unless, of course, your heart’s innermost desire is to be booty-call girl. 

Then, by all means…

But if enough time has passed and he still can’t be bothered, then he should just consider that he had his chance. 

And his time is up.

And he can’t have you back. 

Even if you love him for the rest of your life it doesn’t matter. That’s just how it has to be. Because if he doesn’t care by now then he never will. It doesn’t matter if it hurts. We lose those we care for in this life and that’s just the way it is. And a woman can never, should never, allow herself to be used and abused by men who only want to have easy sex with her. 

Passion II: Fantasy

“I sleep, but my heart waketh: it is the voice of my beloved that knocketh, saying, Open to me…

My beloved put in his hand by the hole of the door, and my bowels were moved for him…

I opened to my beloved, but my beloved had withdrawn himself, and was gone: my soul failed when he spake: I sought him, but I could not find him; I called him, but he gave me no answer…” (Song of Solomon 5:2;4;6, KJV)

Last night I had the sweetest dream
I dreamt that he came to me
And he filled me so completely
He was exactly as I imagined he would be

I woke up still in a daze, eyes glazed
It all felt so real

For years he knows he’s captivated my thoughts
Passionate feelings of both love and hate

Delicate beauty in the flower of youth compared to the lines upon his face
Memories that time will never erase

Once upon a time it’s true that he took care of me
But he’s not the same person that he used to be

He can never be all I imagine him to be
No more, no less, he is but a fantasy

“He leaned forward slightly and a dark face took form from the shadows, a form as beautiful as Orignial Sin must have seemed to Eve, with all its lure and its pain. As eyes the smoky green of storm seas caught hers and held, a phrase from Milton’s Paradise Lost whispered through her mind:

‘His form had yet not lost
All his original brightness, nor appeared
Less than Archangel ruined…'”(Monson, Stormfire, 1984)

He does nothing but play games with my heart
He can never see fit to make me a part of his life
Compared to one who would make me his wife

I’m floating like I barely exist
I imagine his touch and I burn with desire
But I look into his eyes and I know he’s a liar

He’s become a temptation, but I will resist
Not so hard to do when half the time he pretends like I don’t exist

Got this petite 110-pound frame;
Half woman, half child, with this .68 WHR
Any man would want it
But I’ll be neither used nor abused

I’ll never be any man’s mistake
Nor will I give myself away to a man who in the long-term won’t stay

I’ll never come to him
But instead stay with what’s true and real

What happens when the fires burn out?
One offers me security and love
The other nothing but heartbreak and doubt

He says to me “come” but I never will
Because he’s just a fantasy
And that’s all he’ll ever be

Fine wine sweetens my tongue and blurs my mind
I only wish that time I could rewind

Inside there’s strong emotion tied to aching need
But I’ll never let him get away with breaking me in two
Then proceeding to tell me how he’s through

I will say no
To him I’ll never go

I know he thinks he’s going to win
But I’ll never open up and let him in

I’ll put a wall up that he’ll never get past
No matter how long these feelings might last

Though he may forever haunt my memory
He’s a fantasy- and that’s all he’ll ever be

Letter to My Daughter

Dearest Daughter,

In the coming years many changes are going to happen in your life and in your body. There may come a time when you even wish to have children of your own, although I honestly believe you’d be happier if you didn’t. As my mother always told me, it’s a decision you can’t undo and once you’ve done it you’ve given away your life to someone else and tied yourself down to someone for a lifetime that you may well come to resent. Once you have even one your life is gone and will never be the same. Without children your life is yours and if you become too unhappy and the situation too unbearable you can always just walk away and be responsible for none other than yourself and have no complications. And if you do decide to have them, make sure the man is reliable and committed to supporting you and that he is someone you truly wish to tie yourself down with for a lifetime. 

Never give sex to a man or have children in the hopes of having a relationship with him. Your sexuality will be your greatest power. Never allow a man to devalue your worth through sex or childbirth unless he is truly worthy and truly committed- unless you’re sure without a doubt that he’s the one. Only give away your sexuality and body to him once he has met you on your terms and you have obtained the relationship you desire from him. 

Your sexual power will be most potent in your youth- be sure never to allow a man to waste it- and certainly never waste it partying or pursuing a career unless you’re sure that’s what you want out of life. 

If you are ever with a man that you desire a long-term relationship/marriage with yet the relationship is simply not progressing, and enough time has passed, then cut him off. Make him commit or break it off. Never allow him to string you along for months and years when nothing is to come of it. Your sexual power will wane some as you age, but never doubt that you will always have it even as you mature. It will fade some, but never completely. 

Take care of yourself physically and guard your heart well. Be kind, loving and vulnerable- but never a fool or doormat. Never give a man your submission until you have his commitment and his responsibilities towards you established firmly. 

As you grow into your teenage years and beyond the boys around you will have intense sex drives that you probably won’t understand. They will seek to be players and jerks because they resent the sexual power you hold over them and seek to weaken it. Realize they will all want sex from you as nature has decreed that their drives will be intense yet they won’t have to pay the consequences- unless you and the society make them. 

Learn to recognize their game and remember it well. As every male knows, he cannot just come up and ask you for what it is he wants (never doubt it will almost always be sex) lest he be perceived as a creep and send you fleeing from him. He knows the answer will be a “no” if he were to simply ask. He must instead play psychological games with you to make you susceptible to his prerogatives. He’ll run his game to up his status in your eyes in the hopes that you’ll choose him. He wants your thoughts and attention on him. 

Whether he’s sixteen or sixty rest assured he’s still fantasizing about twenty year-old p****. He’ll insult you, ignore you, act indifferent, confuse you, flip hot and cold on you and make you jealous. Many men will become nasty and spiteful and degrade your value as a female. They’ll make it all about them, even though it’s really all about you and your approval.

Since it’s impossible to know what a man really means by what he says, you must instead pay attention to what he does. Never initiate contact or approach him first or you will never be sure the extent of his interest or what you really mean to him. Let him initiate and if he doesn’t then you’ll know he doesn’t care that much and isn’t that interested. By initiating the contact you will never know whether he just wants your body or whether it is a relationship he seeks. And remember, make him meet you on your terms before you ever give it away. 

If he begins to ignore you then don’t pursue him. Have no contact with him and go on about your life. He might stay gone forever or he might come back around. If he does come back around then you can decide if he’s even worth your time. If you still want him then make him commit or send him on his way, without giving in sexually, if he cannot do so. Don’t waste your time with him if he’s not truly worth it and don’t ever let him keep you in an emotionally unbalanced state for weeks, months or years. 

If a man ever breaks up with you then cut him off. Again, have no contact. None (unless it’s inevitable that you see each other but never purposely contact him- for any reason). He made the decision to let you go- make him live with it

Remember that wounds always hurt the worst when they are freshest- but they will heal in time. Some wounds are severe enough to plague us for a lifetime and some never heal completely- but you can still go on living. You will get hurt in this life and you will face heartbreak. Let the person go and cut them off. They’ll either stay gone forever or they’ll come back around in time to make it right- but either way you have a life to live. Either way at least you’ll know for sure what you do or do not mean to them and have not played the fool or caused yourself unnecessary pain. 

Remember that you want a strong man, not a weak one. If a man ever shows signs of becoming financially dependent upon you or holds any kind of a grudge about paying for dates then cut him out of your life immediately. This is a very bad sign. Although you’ll hear some say it can be done and tell you their success stories, you will only end up resenting him in the end and he will be more likely to abuse you and cheat on you if you allow him to be dependent on you. A man won’t respect you or be motivated in life when you give him money- so don’t put up with it. 

Never suppress your femininity no matter what the prevailing culture says. Always seek to be a lady and never one of the guys. Accentuate what makes you a woman and what makes you different. There are still many things to learn that cannot all be contained here, but that will come. 

I tell you all this because I love you and wish to spare you much pain and heartbreak in life. And rest assured that you are never a mistake and will always be dearly loved and cherished. 

Asperger’s and Broken Homes 

Although I’ve never been officially diagnosed, I believe that I have always had Asperger Syndrome. For those that don’t know what Asperger’s is, it is a mild form of Autism (actually I believe technically it’s just called Autism now since 2013) where the person functions normally in everyday life and has average, if not above-average, intelligence yet is generally socially impaired. 

I know this hurt me a lot, especially when I was younger. I always suffered from an inability to fit in. The kind of home life that I had definitely did not make things any easier either. My parents were divorced by the time I could even walk and I had to grow up living most of the time with a father that would speak sexually inappropriate to me and act sexually inappropriate around me and a mother who would move all over the place and remarry and have kids by several different fathers. I had a hard time fitting in anywhere and had only a small group of friends. 

Especially during my school years and even afterwards I oftentimes experienced extreme depression due to feelings of isolation and the inability to make friends and have anywhere that I could belong. I was often rejected even by my relatives and my own father would often talk down to me a lot and never taught me the appropriate ways to relate to others. In fact he seemed to encourage me to relate wrongly to others, but as a child I couldn’t have known any better. As I’ve mentioned before on my site, my own father had struggled from a drug addiction and although he quit the habit (sometime in my early childhood I believe) I’m sure it probably did some sort of lasting damage as he would always flip back and forth on me and do strange things at times. He was often quite terrible to me and would refuse to help me understand the things I needed to know about functioning in society then play dumb whenever I would get hurt or into trouble and claim he didn’t know anything. My mother did try to teach me things but she was simply never around enough. 

For those who have never had to live with it, it is very difficult to explain the mental anguish that comes along with being so isolated and different and never being able to fit in or relate well with other people. I used to want to make friends when I was younger but then sometime in adulthood gave up on the prospect because I knew it simply was never going to happen for me. Honestly, I’m not sure that I care even but it does get very difficult and lead to depression when I do need a friend to confide in or do need some sort of help. Even today I end up feeling severe depression whenever life events hit and I have nobody around to turn to and nowhere I can go. A spouse is obviously the number one person but sometimes there is a real need to have someone else to turn to for advice or help and my closest relatives all live hundreds of miles away save for a cousin that I rarely ever see and have never been close to.

 Today I don’t really care so much but it still does affect me when I do have to be around other people. I can’t help but be the strange, odd, quiet person who makes everyone uncomfortable or who everyone either thinks is stuck-up, strange or uncaring. I have suffered from severe anxiety over the years as a result (although it rarely bothers me anymore). I generally just avoid social situations if I can help it. I, like most with Asperger’s, can function just fine in society and interact with others when needed, but still avoid the interaction if possible. 

But I know it takes all kinds in this life. Though I have struggled all of my life with other people and social interactions, I am more introverted, more philosophical, more poetic; I think, feel and reason more deeply. This leads me oftentimes to a greater insight that most people never achieve. It leads me to possess certain strengths, abilities and gifts. 

But I know I don’t want my own child to ever have to grow up the way I did. Despite all I would never wish such suffering on anyone else. Although there is no cure for Asperger’s, individuals can still get much better with behavioral therapy to where it does not affect them much at all and I can’t help but wonder if things would have been much different if I had grown up in a stable home environment and was taught appropriate ways to behave and interact with others throughout my childhood. I would have still had the genetic tendency to be socially impaired but with the appropriate environment, upbringing and guidance from a young age I would have still been able to function better and might not have suffered so much as I always did. 

The thing about it is that children can’t help the environment that they are born into and once born into certain conditions (poverty, abuse, isolation, etc…) many find it difficult to escape these conditions even in adulthood. It can be done, but it is not easy. I know that I want better for my own child and sometimes if I am overly frustrated it is because I am terrified that she might turn out to be like me. When I say “like me” I don’t mean that she might eventually become a housewife but rather that she might ever have to suffer the way I suffered or be a social outcast the way I have always been throughout my life. I want her to have all the things I never did and I want her to have family and friends and a much better start in life.

I had to grow up in filth. I grew up doing without. I grew up with brokenness and despair and, although the effect is lessened, it still carries on into adulthood. This is why family is important and why it should be the first priority of any society to maintain healthy relationships between men and women and preserve the sanctity of marriage. Though intact families don’t always guarantee everything will turn out fine, it still gives children the best start possible in life. Because of my parents’ selfishness and inability to get along I grew up in a broken home. My own father was more concerned with finding ways to run down my mother than anything else. It was all about him maintaining control and getting back at my mother. My mother on the other hand was always a wreck. What they wanted and needed came first and my own needs as a helpless and developing child were nothing but an afterthought. 

 Sometimes events happen in this life that we can’t control. Sometimes families are broken because of factors nobody can help or foresee, but that doesn’t describe the majority of situations. We adapt, but the pain still lingers- sometimes forever. It’s not that we shouldn’t be individualistic or live our own lives the way we wish to or pursue our dreams, but about realizing that each of us has responsibilities that we owe to other people. People function and live in communities and family groupings with one another and our actions impact the lives of others around us both directly and indirectly. Most pain and suffering in life is caused by abuse and the abandonment of responsibility towards those lower in the social hierarchy by those higher up in the social hierarchy. Children will always be the most vulnerable and their needs should be the highest priority and a healthy functioning society will also give special interest to the unique needs of women as well. 

Humans are social creatures and the entire world does not revolve solely around the wants and needs of the individual.